It seems as if every day we learn of a new environmental catastrophe caused by man-made climate change, and unfortunately it looks like things are only going to get worse: Scientists have predicted that by 2050, the shrub concealing this man’s genitals will be destroyed in wildfires caused by global warming.
Terrifying. This should be a serious wakeup call for anyone who isn’t yet taking climate change seriously.
For years, the nude man has been standing outside smiling with his hands on his hips, and the only thing preventing the world from seeing his genitals has been the waist-high shrub he’s been standing behind. Unfortunately, researchers now say that unless drastic and immediate efforts are taken to slow or reverse the effects of climate change, increased instances of wildfires will almost certainly lead to the bush being destroyed, thus exposing everyone to an unobstructed view of the man’s penis and testicles.
“Unfortunately, with the damage that’s already been inflicted on the environment, there’s not much we can do at this point to prevent the destruction of the shrub blocking this man’s normal-sized penis as well as his testicles, which are the penis’s two wives,” said U.C. Berkeley climatologist Dr. Phillip Gladstone. “While many of us will have died by the time wildfires destroy the bush, our children and grandchildren will still be here, and they will suffer the consequences of seeing this man’s regular ding-dong flapping in the breeze like a windsock. It will be devastating. The man’s penis is neither big nor small. It’s right in the middle. Thank you.”
As if this news weren’t dire enough, many scientists are also predicting that climate change will lead to other kinds of extreme weather conditions such as hurricanes, which will cause the nude man’s penis to flap about wildly in the wind and potentially hypnotize people who stare at it for too long. Researchers have also warned that once the shrub is destroyed, it will be impossible to ignore the nude man, because every few hours he lets out a blood-curdling scream for no reason, and everyone always turns to look at him. Even when he is screaming he never stops smiling.
This should serve as a chilling reminder of the very real impact climate change will have on all of our lives. For years we’ve taken for granted that the shrub blocking the nude man’s penis would always be there, but that was foolish and ignorant. When a wildfire burns down the shrub and we can all see the nude man’s penis and he’s screaming and smiling and we’re looking at his normal-sized penis flapping in the wind, we’ll wonder why we never tried to prevent it while we still could.