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The Tragedy Of The American Economy: It Is Now Almost Impossible To Support A Family Of Five On An Online Satirist’s Salary

As the cost of living continues to rise, making a modest living to provide for a family now feels like a pipe dream for many Americans. But in this era of inflation, mass layoffs, and wage stagnation, some professions are being hit harder than others: According to a study by the Pew Research Center, it’s now almost impossible to support a family of five on an online satirist’s salary.

Just heartbreaking. What was once a stable, respectable career has been completely upended by our failing economy.

Although penning hilarious quips is an essential job in a functional society, the sad truth is that the number of digital publications looking for an on-staff humorist has declined by over 85 percent in the last ten years alone. With fewer jobs on the market, it’s become increasingly difficult to raise multiple children on a salary earned from side-splitting ironical takedowns of today’s most deserving targets. The study went on to explain that despite the popularity of highly topical spoofs, the money simply isn’t there, and as a result many satirists have been forced to choose between supporting their family with a new career or writing satire on a freelance-only basis.

You read that right—many of the nation’s best satirists are now working in industries completely unrelated to goofs, despite having once pledged the Satirist’s Creed:

To parody the mundane
And observe the truths of life
To uplift amidst the horrors
To add smiles to the strife
Trickery be not the goal
Nor do the meek be sought
It’s politicos we’re after
It’s the powerful we mock!
I vow to be a truth-teller
To spoof only the corrupt
Now we don our fedoras
And punch up, ye Satirists, punch up!

What kind of hell are we living in if fluent-in-sarcasm graduates of prestigious liberal arts schools cannot raise a family with money made from jeers and jives?!

While it’s likely that you or someone you know was raised by a satirist, the satirists of today now face a decision between starting a family and lampooning the crooks at the top of the food chain. A choice like that is an incredibly difficult and personal one, complicated by the fact that many satirists are in relationships with other satirists, as satirists tend to have difficulty relating to anyone who cannot produce mordant sendups of the highest order.

Gah! Is there no place left for a satirist in this world?

Without satirists, who will use exaggeration and spoofery to highlight the ridiculousness of life? And without children of satirists, how will we raise the next generation of humorists whose parodies are as rife with verisimilitude as they are with irony? What a Sophie’s Choice! We envy no one faced with this decision. Good luck, ye Satirists, good luck.