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Throwing Love Away: When Gwyneth Paltrow’s Soulmate Was Caught Rooting Through Her Trash, She Filed A Restraining Order Against Him

If you are a big Gwyneth Paltrow fan, stop reading now, because this story is going to make you like her a lot less.

Most people spend their lives hoping they’ll find “the one,” but apparently actress and lifestyle guru Gwyneth Paltrow is a total Scrooge when it comes to love. According to recent reports, when Paltrow’s soulmate was caught rooting through her trash, she filed a restraining order against him.

Despicable. When the perfect man literally showed up in her backyard, Gwyneth Paltrow chose to turn her back on true happiness.

It all went down at approximately 3 in the morning, when the man of Paltrow’s dreams, Earl Merken, was found pawing through the garbage can in the backyard of her Los Angeles home. The two had a total meet-cute straight out of a movie—she stumbled out of bed, afraid she’d heard the sound of a burglar; he was bent over a garbage can, smelling a used Q-tip—but Gwyneth totally ruined the moment and called the cops on her Prince Charming instead of embracing her happily-ever-after. Apparently she didn’t even respond when the man who is the yin to her yang screamed that he “just wanted a little bit more hair” for his personal collection.

Can Gwenyth Paltrow be any more self-destructive? Most people would kill to meet their perfect match, and she barely gave hers a chance to put down the nub of her old lipstick he was applying to his entire face to scream odes of devotion to her!

As if this story couldn’t get any more infuriating, the police report filed later in the afternoon only made it even more obvious how perfect Earl and Gwyneth would have been if Earl was still legally allowed within 1,000 feet of the Shakespeare In Love star. According to the officer’s notes, Earl claims to have seen every single one of Paltrow’s movies more than 300 times, knows all the middle names of everyone in her extended family, and even has a tiny notebook in his pocket full of drawings of just her nose over and over and over again. Swoon! It sounds like a higher power basically created the unemployed 43-year-old just for her, and instead Gwyneth is choosing to spend time with people like her fiancé who will simply never love her the way that Earl does.

Well, it’s official: Gwyneth Paltrow doesn’t deserve love. For anyone out there looking for their storybook ending, know that someone like Earl Merken could be just around the corner at any time going through your garbage, and if you don’t open your heart, you might miss your chance at true love. Just don’t be like Gwyneth!