We asked 22 cemetery workers to open up about the stupidest ghost they’re ever encountered on the job.
1. Fernando Pascal – “I have been at this for almost 25 years and I have never seen a ghost.”
2. Markus Rose – “I don’t really believe in that sort of thing.”
3. Grant Fairchild – “What do you mean?”
4. Otis Porter – “One time I saw a trash bag blowing around that kind of looked like a ghost, but that’s about it.”
5. Juan Ramirez – “Huh? That has never happened to me.”
6. Hector Gonzales – “I’m sorry, I don’t want to answer that. That question seems a little disrespectful.”
7. Peter Shandling – “I’m not sure I understand what you’re asking.”
8. Kenny Landry – “I don’t think there are ghosts here.”
9. Boris Grainger – “I remember it like it was yesterday. I was clipping some hedges when I got this strange feeling like there was someone stupid watching me from the other side. I peeked over the top of the hedgerow and I saw the glowing, translucent green ghost of a fat little idiot boy just gawking at me with the dumbest look on his face I have ever seen. He was singing the chorus of Kid Rock’s “Bawitdaba” but getting the words wrong, and his penis was sticking erect out of the fly of his bib overalls and squirting urine up in the air and all over his face. He saw me looking at him and became frightened, so he started to run away but immediately fell into an open grave. He cried, “Bawitdaba?” from inside the grave, then attempted to float out of it but kept flopping around in the air like a wounded bird and falling back down into the hole. Finally, I went over there and shot him with a shotgun. Right before I pulled the trigger, he whispered, “Thrank…youm” and sprayed some more urine from his erect penis.
10. Grover Murphy – “I’ve never noticed anything like that.”
11. Bradley Grant – “Never seen any kind of ghost.”
12. Arthur North – “You can’t be serious.”
13. Cliff Washington – “I’m always on the lookout for that kind of stuff, but I’ve never seen it.”
14. David Winters – “I’ve only seen one ghost, and it seemed pretty smart.”
15. Lisa Erving – “What did you say this was for again?”
16. Theo Frazetta – “It was incredible. It was the ghost of a local idiot who had recently died but couldn’t afford a burial. We took pity on him and shoved his corpse under some mulch next to the groundskeepers’ shed, but apparently he wasn’t buried deep enough, and his ghost escaped. One night I saw him sitting in a port-a-potty with the door wide open, his skin aglow and his eyeballs bugging three inches out of their sockets. He was just sitting there trying to figure out how to use a calculator to solve 1+2, but he clearly had no idea how to make the calculator work. He kept pressing the number 1 and jerking the calculator sideways really fast as if that was part of the process of using a calculator, then he’d get frustrated and throw the calculator against the hand sanitizer dispenser on the wall of the port-a-potty. I asked him if he needed any help, and he nodded and said “Yes, ma’am,” but then I decided to just lock him in the port-a-potty and walk away because it seemed like it was going to take forever to teach that stupid ghost how to use a calculator.
17. Michael Stewart – “I can’t think of any time that has happened.”
18. Dwayne Pleasance – “You’ve seen too many movies.”
19. Xavier Kind – “I’d have to think about it.”
20. Dennis Wallace – “I’ve already told you I don’t know.”
21. Luis Ortega – “I can ask my coworkers who work at night but I’ve never seen anything like that during the day shift.”
22. Terrance Beach – “It was the ghost of Stephen Hawking. Smartest guy around during life, but man, what an idiot as a ghost.”
