Over six years after the 2016 election, political analysts are still conducting post-mortems to determine which factors ultimately led to Donald Trump’s upset win, but it appears that experts have finally pinpointed the primary cause of the shocking outcome: According to an exhaustive nationwide poll, Hilary Clinton would have won the 2016 presidential election if she had dressed like she was in The Matrix throughout the entirety of her campaign.
Wow! It’s incredible how just a few minor changes in her campaign strategy could have completely altered the course of history!
According to the poll, which was conducted by the Pew Research Center, millions of Americans who voted for Donald Trump, a third party candidate, or declined to vote entirely, would instead have immediately cast their vote for Hillary Clinton if she had campaigned while wearing a long, black leather trench coat, sunglasses, and knee-high black leather boots in a style reminiscent of the characters in the 1999 sci-fi film The Matrix. Dressing in this manner, the poll indicated, would’ve resulted in a landslide victory for the Clinton campaign.
The poll also found that Clinton’s margin of victory would’ve grown greater and greater the more she committed to looking like a character from The Matrix. Had she been lowered onto the debate stage by wires while dressed head-to-toe in leather like Trinity, she would have won in perennial Republican strongholds like Mississippi and Alabama, and if she had campaigned while wearing her hair in long white dreadlocks like the Albino twins from The Matrix Reloaded, she would have secured the staunchly conservative Texas and its 38 electoral votes.
“While political analysts have attributed Clinton’s 2016 to many factors, including her failure to campaign in key swing states and her deep connections to an unpopular political establishment, this survey indicates that millions of Americans who voted for Donald Trump or refrained from voting would have immediately forgiven these shortcomings if she had essentially cosplayed as Neo or Trinity for the duration of the election,” stated the Pew study. “American voters would’ve especially liked to see Ms. Clinton storming onstage at public events holding a huge machine gun in each hand, or perhaps even contorting her body in slow motion to dodge incoming projectiles.”
Furthermore, the poll found that hundreds of thousands of Americans who simply refused to vote in the 2016 election would have “waited in line at the polls for 48 hours or more” to vote for Hillary if she had appeared on TV wearing those sunglasses that somehow stay on your face just by balancing on your nose like Morpheus has, and thousands more who identified themselves as “passionate Trump supporters” stated they would have instead voted for Clinton if she had held a rally in their state where she promised to defend Zion from the machines at any cost.
Clinton’s choice of attire isn’t the only fashion decision that could have impacted the results of the 2016 election. The Pew survey also found that Senator Bernie Sanders would have won the 2016 Democratic Primaries if he had campaigned while wearing a Hawaiian shirt, and would have defeated Donald Trump in a landslide during the presidential election if he had responded to every debate question with, “Who cares about that bullshit, mamacita? I’m on Island Time right now!”
It just goes to show what a fickle and complex game American politics can be!
It really seems like the current political landscape in the United States would be absolutely unrecognizable if Hillary had just realized that what the American people want is a presidential candidate who looks like a steampunk weirdo who just jacked into the Matrix to help The One lead humanity to freedom. It’s amazing how the outcome of an entire presidential election can come down to little details like how long your trench coat is or whether or not you can convince voters that you’ve had enough kung-fu downloaded into your brain to fight Agent Smith. Future U.S. presidential candidates would be wise to start investing in skin-tight leather pants and katanas right away, as the success of their political careers just might depend on it!