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Why I Sent My Kids Through An Interdimensional Particle Vortex (And Why You Should Too)

My husband and I have two sons, Jacob and Andrew. Like all other parents, the most important thing in the world to us has always been ensuring that we make the right decisions for our kids, especially when it comes to their education. That’s why, after researching all of our options, we decided to send our kids through an interdimensional particle vortex.

And it turned out to be the best decision we ever made.

Of course, at the time, some of our friends thought it was a questionable move. And who could blame them? They’d heard all the typical rumors about interdimensional particle vortices. About how they’re so huge, a kid could easily get lost in them. About how the gravitational surge formed by the dimensional rift can sometimes destabilize kids’ temporal imprint, wiping out their past, present, and future existences across the timeline. Or my personal favorite: Kids who go through interdimensional particle vortices don’t get into good colleges.

But here’s the thing about these rumors: They’re not true. Not even a little bit! The truth is that interdimensional particle vortices are great places for kids to learn about the world and the infinite number of past and future worlds only visible when traveling along the axis at peak velocity. My husband and I both went through an interdimensional particle vortex growing up (in fact, that’s where we met!) and we turned out all right.

I’ll admit, when we dropped our two boys into the vortex that first day, I was nervous. There we were, watching our two little ones careen violently into the heart of a massive molecular whirlpool, and for a second, I wondered if we had made a mistake. We had no idea if they would be able to successfully navigate the interdimensional trench or sustain the atomic reshuffling that occurs upon entry. We were typical worrywart parents.

I’ll admit, when we dropped our two boys into the vortex that first day, I was nervous.

But, of course, they ended up being fine, and both went on to have great experiences in that interdimensional particle vortex. They made friends there that they never would’ve even crossed paths with if they hadn’t gone through the vortex—pandimensional beings from diverse backgrounds and farthest reaches of the known universe who had no eyes but could perceive all of human history like a line of clouds on the horizon. It’s experiences like this that make hurtling your kids into an interdimensional vortex at the speed of light a great decision.

Still skeptical? Look, I get it. You’re a cautious parent, and you just want what’s best for your kid. But let’s take a look at the facts:

Kids who go through an interdimensional particle vortex are statistically more likely to comprehend the supreme totality of the universe than kids who don’t.

Some of our nation’s great leaders went through an interdimensional particle vortex, including Martin Luther King Jr., Bill Gates, and Hillary Clinton.

It’s 100 percent free.

Having watched my sons go through the vortex and emerge 45 years later, responsible, well-educated beings who cannot die with acceptance letters to top-tier universities, I’m more convinced than ever we made the right decision. So, when you’re considering your child’s intellectual development, don’t write off interdimensional particle vortices. They are the backbone of our nation and a viable option for your child’s education.