So you’re having your prostate examined. The procedure is moving along fine until shortly after your urologist has inserted their fingers into your anus, when you notice the doctor has gone silent and completely still. You turn your head to see their limp body hanging from your buttocks by one arm, held up by your anus’ grip around their fingers—your urologist is dead.
Don’t panic. Here’s how to proceed.
1. Take photos for insurance purposes
If your phone is within reach, take as many photos of you, your dead doctor, and your doctor’s fingers in your anus as you can. Close-ups and wides. There’s a chance an incident like this could cause your health insurance premiums to skyrocket. Photo evidence may not help your case with a healthcare provider, but it can’t hurt to have on hand.
2. Shout for help
Yell “Help!” or a phrase with a similar sentiment until a staff member from the urologist’s office or a passerby outside hears your plea and enters the room. Congratulations: Now you not only have a witness, but also someone to assist you throughout the next steps.
3. Don’t allow anyone to remove the doctor’s fingers from your anus until the police arrive and confirm your anus doesn’t contain anything that could make you liable for the doctor’s death
Call 911, but do not let anyone touch the doctor’s body, the doctor’s fingers, or your anus until the police have arrived and explicitly cleared you of wrongdoing. The office’s staff may become emotional after seeing their employer’s corpse positioned in such a uniquely upsetting way, but remind them it’s for everyone’s good that the police handle things at this stage.
4. Stay hydrated
Ask the urologist’s staff for water while you wait for the police to arrive.
5. Inform the urologist’s family of their loved one’s death
In most cases, the family of a urologist who died with two fingers knuckle-deep in a patient’s anus will want to learn about it from the patient, not the news. Be tactful, of course, but also let them know that the tragedy was not your fault.
6. Once the police arrive, deflect responsibility, then assign and/or suggest blame
Make sure the police hear you say, “I literally didn’t do anything but have my prostate examined,” and, “The urologist looked a little overweight—this kind of thing happens to people who don’t take care of themselves.” For the moment, their attention will likely be focused on the sight of you on all fours with a dead man’s fingers clutched in your anus, but planting the seed of your innocence now will help steer their investigation later.
7. Get ahead of the media narrative by calling a newspaper and offering them the scoop on the story in exchange for their portraying you in a good light
Innocent Man Merely Seeking Confirmation Of Prostate’s Cancerlessness Has Anus Turned Into Urologist’s Tomb—that’s the kind of PR that will get the entire country on your side (and maybe even film studios interested in buying the rights of your story) if your situation blows up into a national news item. The $200 you give to a New York Times reporter to convince them to spin the story this way could pay dividends.
8. Request a referral for a new urologist before leaving
Remember, you’re only in this situation because you were proactive about your prostate’s well-being. It’s sad to confront the idea that you’ll be moving on from this urology practice, especially after an EMT pulled your dead doctor’s fingers out of your anus just minutes ago, but that’s the reality of the situation. No one can blame you for stopping by the front desk on your way out to ask the secretary if they know of any urologists in your healthcare network who are accepting new clients at the moment. Your health remains the priority here, and your late urologist, as well as their grieving staff, would probably agree.
