It doesn’t matter how drunk you are, there’s no excuse to say ANY of these things.

1. “So, are you a guy or a piano or what?”

2. “I like the ice cream truck’s version better.”

3. “Would you rub those magic fingers of yours on my ailing daughter?”

4. “You can take the night off; I have a couple of songs stuck in my head.”

5. “Please, I need to hear a C-sharp or I will die.”

6. “I don’t know what it’s called, but could you play that song that goes, ‘Whoa Black Betty, bam-ba-lam / Yeah Black Betty, bam-ba-lam / Black Betty had a child, bam-ba-lam / Damn thing gone wild, bam-ba-lam / She’s always ready, bam-ba-lam / She’s all rock-steady, bam-ba-lam / Whoa Black Betty, bam-ba-lam / Yeah Black Betty, bam-ba-lam / All right / Yeah / Oh yeah, oh right / Oh yeah, oh right / Oh yeah, oh right / Oh yeah, oh right / Hey-eh-eh-eh’?”

7. “There are many songs online ripe for the taking!”

8. “My dad says that DJs are human pieces of furniture, like sweaty, breathing radios, and that you don’t need to save them during fires.”

9. “Can you do the thing where you take two records and put them over your eyes to make it look like you have big eyes?”

10. “Can everyone else hear you too?”