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5 Children I Caught!

That’s right! Five kids, captured by yours truly. I’m on a roll! Check out my haul!

  1. This boy (easy catch!)

Scored this one in a parking lot! By chance, I’d just been stocking up on supplies for my child traps down at the hardware store, when all of a sudden, I spotted this 45 lb. beaut’ all alone in the back of a sedan with one of the windows cracked. So, I pushed my shopping cart on over, told the child to unlock the door, and then put him in a fresh-bought burlap bag! Now he’s mine! It was that easy! Yeah, I knew my old lady was gonna chew me out for bringing a kid home without asking—I could hear her already…“And just where do you plan to keep that thing?! If you thought the cellar, you better think again buster, because I just re-did those floors and I will not have that child scratch them up! I will not have it!”—but heck, the opportunity was simply too good to pass up! Oh well. As I always say, better to ask for forgiveness than permission, ha!

  1. This pre-teen (put up one hell of a fight!)

Boy, wrangling this one was a chore, let me tell you! I was checking one of the trip-wire traps I’d set up in the woods last week, and found this scrappy son-of-a-gun dangling from a tall tree branch by the leg. “Whoopee! Wait ‘til the guys at work see this prize!” I thought, until I tried getting him down…and what do you know, the little devil bit my arm! Nearly drew blood! Guess my excitement got the best of me and made me forget my usual precaution of whacking him on the head before getting up close, but jeez, this was a natural bullshark of a boy! He was flicking a lighter at me, screeching up a storm. I was winded as all hell by the time I’d finally gotten him bagged up. Hey, that’s the sort of challenge you sign up for when you take up the hunt! That said, the wife did put me in the doghouse over all the cellar hardwood he scraped up (yup, I slept on the couch for a damn week!), but it was worth the biting! Well worth it!

  1. This newborn baby girl (probably the easiest catch I ever had in my life!)

What’re the odds I got lucky with another all-time easy catch like this?! There I am, snooping around my neighbor’s house in the dead of night with my bucket, when I realize the back door is not locked, not even a little! I enter. I find the baby’s room. I scoop the baby out of the crib. I put it in my bucket. I put the lid on my bucket. I leave. Jackpot! What a hot streak I was on! Best part is this child barely takes up any space at all in the cellar. Heck, the wife even took to this helpless pup, she had all sorts of creative ideas for how to display it! Right now, it’s dangling in a cage above her elliptical, and I think it looks quite nice! Win-win!

4 & 5. Marcus & Lawrence (my most clever catches yet!)

I don’t think I’ll ever top how I captured little Marcus & Lawrence, the twin tykes I saw at a restaurant once. “The hunt is on!” I thought, as they left the restaurant with their parents. I hopped in my truck and set right to work! I tailed their minivan all the way to their house. There, I waited for several hours before lighting their house on fire. Sure enough, the whole family came running out, and there I was lying in wait with my gun. I pointed my firearm at the parents and demanded they hand their children over! At first they didn’t want to let me capture their kids, but eventually they did (all I’ll say is they found out I was serious!) and I was two children the richer for it! Driving away, quite satisfied with my two-for-one catch, the mother screamed “Marcus! Lawrence! NO!!!!!” and thought to myself, “What awful names! I’m gonna have to give ‘em new ones.” Let me know if you have any ideas for what I can name the latest additions to my cellar in the comments! Catching kids is my very favorite hobby, I cannot recommend it enough!