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5 Times Troy Aikman Assured NFL Fans The FOX Sports Robot Poses No Threat To The United States 

Troy Aikman is a consummate professional when it comes to sports broadcasting, so when he was at FOX he always made sure NFL viewers were put at ease about the FOX Sports robot. Here are 5 times Troy Aikman assured NFL fans the FOX Sports robot poses no threat to the country.

1. When he used two minutes of airtime to explain that the Fox Sports robot clearly wasn’t very big because the electric guitar it was playing dwarfed its body. 

For Troy Aikman, NFL fans’ safety and wellbeing always comes first, as demonstrated by the thorough explanation in which he used the scale of the guitar the robot was playing to gauge its size during a Bills-Jets game. In a calming, stoic voice, Aikman explained, “You might assume that the FOX Sports robot is some giant Optimus-Prime-sized monstrosity, but if you look at him when he’s rocking that electric guitar of his, it’s clear to me he’s the size of a child. Is he stronger than a child? Of course. But as far as his size, if you look at that guitar, and now, to be fair, I’m assuming that’s a normal sized guitar, but if you look at that guitar in comparison to the sports robot that is playing that guitar, it’s almost as tall as he is. Now, we all know small guys can be powerful, look at some of the smaller running backs like Darren Sproles, you can certainly fit a lot of strength and explosiveness into a small package, but what we need to focus on here is that clearly the FOX Sports robot won’t be stepping on buildings or swatting helicopters out of the sky anytime soon. America has nothing to fear.”

2. When he interrupted Joe Buck disputing a pass interference call to explain how sports robots have a built-in failsafe that allows them to be shut down immediately if they ever get out of line.

During a rant by co-announcer Joe Buck about how a pass interference call against Baltimore Ravens cornerback Marlon Humphrey should have been overturned, Aikman broke in to assuage any fears that fans may have had that the FOX Sports robot might take over the country by explaining, “These sports robots, and of course, I’m talking here about the FOX Sports robot specifically, but this applies to all of them, if there are more, they can be shut off. The people who program these things, they’re very intelligent and they would never, ever create a situation where the sports robot could become angry at America and begin attacking our communities. If that robot as much as hurts a fly, it’s lights out. The robot handlers flip a switch and it shuts that thing down like a helicopter running out of fuel. Bam. That thing is down. And I know a lot of fans of the NFL, and especially our children and women fans, they see that robot and they may have some fears that it’s coming to wipe out the country. But I urge them to be calm. The FOX Sports robot is fun and fully under our control.”

3. The time during a snowy game in Detroit when he explained that after each game they immediately put the robot into secure storage.

During a blizzard at Ford Field, Aikman was in the midst of explaining how a snow-covered field can affect the players’ abilities when he abruptly segued to the subject of how the FOX Sports robot is stored in between games, claiming, “Of course, the robot only comes out during the game. After the game, they put him back into his cage, which is in a secure undisclosed location so he doesn’t fall into the hands of our enemies. That will never happen again. The last thing I want is for the folks at home to watch these games and worry that their way of life, the country that they love so much, is under threat from a football robot that is meant to simply entertain them in the commercial bumpers. You have no more risk of getting hurt by this robot than you do of dying in a boating accident, and that’s the Troy Aikman promise.”

4. When he said “I trust that robot so much that I’d let it babysit my kids” out of the blue during a Packers-Eagles showdown.

Another moment when Troy made it clear he wanted everyone watching NFL on FOX to rest easy knowing that the robot meant them no harm was during a Packer-Eagles game when he said, “Look, there’s a lot of chatter out there about ‘Could the FOX Sports robot attack a parade? Could the FOX Sports robot crash the set of American Idol?’ Let me tell you, folks, I trust that robot so much that I would let it babysit my kids, if it were legal. It’s as gentle as a lamb. It may appear aggressive and frightful when you see it busting its dance moves on your screen, but trust me, it will never dance its way across the Midwest leaving a trail of destruction and carnage in its wake. I’d gladly let this robot marry my mother. This is a robot I trust. It could be my chauffeur. I’d let it walk my dog.”

5. When he explained that “the robot is not a man wearing a costume, but there is something similar to a man inside.”

Just before kickoff during a Patriots-Ravens game, Troy appeared on camera in the announcer booth and began to explain, “The robot is not a man wearing a costume, but there is something similar to a man inside. But do not worry, the being inside does not have ill will towards humanity…” before the camera cut away and his mic was cut off. It was soon after this broadcast that Troy left FOX Sports for ESPN, where he still periodically reminds NFL fans that the FOX Sports robot is nothing to fear. Thank you, Troy, for keeping our anxiety about the FOX Sports robot to a minimum through your calming, rational voice. NFL fans are blessed to have you.