Second puberty is part of growing up. If it hasn’t happened to you yet, don’t worry, because it will. It can happen at any time, whether you’re 30 years old or 80 years old. When the time comes, your body will begin changing in sickening and terrifying ways. Here are just a few things everybody experiences when they go through second puberty!
1. Additional Body Hair: While you might be familiar with the increase in body hair that accompanies first puberty, this will do nothing to prepare you for the massive amount of additional body hair that you will begin growing during second puberty. This additional body hair is usually localized in one long, thick column of hair that grows out of the middle of the forehead like a limp unicorn horn. This will horrify you, but you shouldn’t worry too much about it, because there is nothing that you can do to stop it.
2. The Second Growth Spurt: Second puberty is the time of the infamous second growth spurt. During the second growth spurt, your legs will grow longer and longer and longer. The rest of your body will not grow proportionally. You will look like you were surgically fused with a pair of stilts, and that’s perfectly natural. Unlike the growth spurts of first puberty, which occur gradually over the course of months or even years, the second growth spurt happens all at once within a matter of seconds.
3. The True Deep Voice: As with first puberty, second puberty is accompanied by a change in the pitch of your voice. As you go through second puberty, you will notice that while your voice remains largely unchanged, it will drop three octaves every time you say the word “lips.” This is known as the True Deep Voice, and it happens to everybody during second puberty. Have you ever noticed that your father sounds like a foghorn every time he says the word “lips”? That is his True Deep Voice. All the men and women develop the True Deep Voice, so there is nothing to be self-conscious about.
4. The Tomb Of Skin: While going through second puberty, everyone will wake up one morning completely engulfed in the Tomb Of Skin, the body-shaped sack of skin that grows over you while you sleep. The Tomb Of Skin has its own face—a screaming, wide-eyed face that grows on top of yours during the night and repeatedly screams out the date on which you will die. It is recommended that you sleep with a penknife or box cutter while going through second puberty, so that on the unforeseeable morning when you awake inside the Tomb Of Skin, you will be able to cut yourself out of it.
5. The Mouth Finger: As you go through second puberty, you will begin to notice changes in your mouth. Most notably, you might notice that where your tongue once was, there will be a single human finger. You will have no control over this finger. It will wriggle around in your mouth and do what it wants. It will often come out of your mouth and point at road kill. During second puberty, be sure to keep your mouth closed in elevators, because the finger that replaced your tongue loves to creep out of your mouth and press the buttons for all the wrong floors.
6. The Protrusion: All adults who go through second puberty develop The Protrusion. When you first notice The Protrusion on your body, it will be small, but it will rapidly develop into something larger than you could ever imagine. Eventually, it will seem as if you are growing out of The Protrusion and not the other way around. DO NOT TOUCH THE PROTRUSION. Sometimes, when you are alone in the dark, you will hear The Protrusion singing. It happens to everyone, and there is no escaping it. This is normal. Your body is a beautiful protean cage that transforms endlessly without your consent and renders you unrecognizable to yourself. Your body is a demented stranger who smothers you until you die. And this is perfectly natural.
