A situation is currently unfolding at New York City’s LaGuardia Airport that is offering passengers a stark view of the current state of American air travel: This United Airlines gate agent is looking for volunteers to take a later flight in exchange for a secret he’s never told anyone.
Yikes. It seems pretty clear that United has fully run out of travel vouchers.
Shortly after United flight 2078 began boarding, the airline employee working the gate for the flight from New York to Miami made an announcement that the plane was overbooked and that any volunteers who gave up their seats would get to hear “a deeply personal and dark truth that [he had] never divulged to anyone before.” According to the gate agent, this secret was “scandalous” and “very interesting for people who are interested in [his] life.”
It definitely seems like United is scraping the bottom of the barrel here, although you’ve got to admit, it would be pretty cool to know this guy’s secret.
Unfortunately, after nearly two hours, no volunteers have stepped up to exchange their spots on the flight. The gate agent has tried to sweeten the deal by announcing that the secret is “about a bad thing I did, and the thing I did to the man who saw me do it,” but even with this extra information, nobody has been enticed. Either everyone on this flight really wants to get to Miami as soon as possible, or they’re not particularly interested in the dark and unspoken truths concealed in this man’s soul. Whichever it is, the flight has now become severely delayed.
“If you knew this secret, you would never look at me or Patrick the same way ever again,” the gate agent recently announced, without clarifying who Patrick was and what role he played in the secret. “Once you hear what I’ve got to confess, you’ll absolutely agree that it was worth catching a later flight to Florida.”
You’d think that plenty of passengers would be interested in picking up a juicy piece of gossip about a guy and a thing he did with Patrick, but sadly that just isn’t the case! It’s unclear if this flight is ever going to leave.
Just two minutes ago, the gate agent announced that he would also tell anyone who gave up their seat who he has a crush on. “I’ve never told anyone about the secret love I feel for this person,” the gate agent announced. “I won’t say who it is unless you give up your seat, but if you want a hint, they work right here in this airport.” Unfortunately, this additional incentive failed to move anyone. Even if some passengers are interested in hearing this guy’s secret or learning who he has a crush on, nobody seems to think it’s worth changing their travel schedule for. Here’s hoping that someone finally decides to hear the deeply personal, long-concealed things this guy has to say, or all these passengers are going to stuck in the airport for a long, long time.
