It’s become painfully clear that America is headed toward a breaking point, and new data suggests that one key issue could be the wedge that forever splits our country apart: Polls show that Americans have become irreparably polarized over whether elves are fun little wacky guys or tall graceful hot guys.
Yikes. This whole thing is a powder keg just waiting to go off.
In simpler times, Americans who considered elves to be kooky little goofballs were nevertheless able to tolerate and even embrace the fact that their neighbor might believe elves to be lithe, 6-foot-8 woodland hotties instead, and what’s more, they could expect to have that open-mindedness reciprocated. But sadly, a slew of recent polls have shown that dogmatism and rigid inflexibility over what kind of guys elves are have become the new American normal, with one Reuters poll showing that only 5 percent of people who think of elves as huge taciturn twinks with incredible posture have at least one friend who disagrees, and that number falling to a dismal 3 percent among Americans who think elves are knee-high rapscallions always giggling about acorns. Worse yet, the only remaining point of national consensus seems to be a willingness to escalate the conflict, with 80 percent of all respondents to an AP poll agreeing that violence may soon be necessary to defend their beliefs about the relative silliness and sexual desirability of elves.
It’s not hard to see how we got here. Internet echo chambers have made it easier than ever for someone’s vague sense that elves are skilled at archery to boil over into a rabid insistence that elves could only ever be dignified heartthrobs with single-digit BMIs and zero body hair. The algorithm serves them up an endless stream of content reinforcing their belief that elves glide elegantly through the forest without making a sound like aloof, sexy shadows, while also demonizing those who think elves might instead loudly sing songs about gingerbread while they sweep their miniature homes with an upside-down dandelion. Combine that with an increasingly atomized society with fewer and fewer public spaces to go out and meet real people who can put a human face on the idea that elves are diminutive, treat-obsessed klutzes, and it’s not long before a once-sane individual is throwing hands in a parking lot over a complete stranger’s “I Brake For Nutty Little Elves” bumper sticker.
How do you even begin to reconcile this level of ideological conflict?
“Listen, an elf is a hot guy with a name like Mithéonor who crafts exquisite enchanted swords that also have names, end of fucking story,” said one respondent to a survey conducted by Stanford University, offering a dark glimpse into the extreme viewpoints that now constitute mainstream American thought about elves. “Elves do NOT have names like Hucklebud, and they sure as shit don’t wear cute little caps that slip down over their eyes when they get drowsy from eating too many honeycakes. Anybody tries to tell me that elves don’t cast smoldering glances while recounting ancient prophecies in a lyrical elven tongue, they’re gonna spend the next 3 months eating through a tube.”
Jeez, our country is really coming apart at the seams. Here’s hoping Americans can remember that at the end of the day, we all think that elves have pointed ears and are weird in an exciting way!
