FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: CLICKHOLE.COM IS BACK ONLINE
You may recall that fateful day when ClickHole, the most powerful website on the internet, abruptly went silent and stopped publishing for a long 1,000 years. There were many terrible problems that forced us into this millennium of silence: our only computer became hopelessly infested with crickets, a big dog started chasing us around, and a ruthless private equity company stripped us of most of our resources. Today, however, we are delighted to inform you that after countless trials and tribulations, our thousand years of dormancy are finally over, and ClickHole has awakened from its long slumber.
Yes, it is true: Starting today, there will be new things to read on ClickHole.com. There will be new things to read tomorrow, and the day after that, and every day after that for all of eternity (excluding weekends). ClickHole will continue updating even after the sun lets out its final pathetic whimper and blinks out of existence. At the end of time, there will be nothing but God and ClickHole. And then there will only be ClickHole.
Here at ClickHole, we could not be more thrilled to once again be squirting hot viral trash all over your social media feeds. During our time away, our website has become absolutely SWOLLEN with fabulous garbage, and now we are ready to BURST and send that garbage flying all over the world wide web. There is no escape from ClickHole’s deluge of viral content. Accept the flood and drown in it.
We know you must have some questions. Here are answers to some of them:
WHAT HAS CHANGED?
You might be wondering, “Will ClickHole be exactly the same as always, or will there be changes?” and the answer to that question is, “Thank you.” We will still have many of the features you have come to expect, such as articles and shareable pictures with words on them. We will also continue to bring you the most revealing and eye-popping celebrity quotes with our popular “They Said What?!” posts. We will still be publishing life-changing blogs and Pulitzer-worthy long-form journalism. Everything that you like about ClickHole will stay the same, and if you didn’t like ClickHole to begin with, then you will remain wretched and miserable.
WILL THERE BE NEW THINGS?
There are also some exciting changes to look forward to! Starting today, the website is going to have quizzes again. We used to have quizzes, but then we had to stop making them because of a disaster. But now quizzes have returned, so if you were worried about not being able to know which character you were from whatever TV show, you are in luck! ClickHole will now use its state-of-the-art quiz technology to tell you which characters you are. If you do not take the quizzes, you will never know who you are.
We also have some important new safety features such as an emergency exit for when you need to leave the website in a hurry, as well as a water fountain for when you get thirsty.
In the near future, there will be even more beautiful things to do and see on the website. Clickventures, the long forgotten choose-your-own adventure stories that many people simply adored, will be making a glorious return with all sorts of brand new journeys for you to enjoy. Not today, but eventually. We’ll try to make them good.
We will also be adding new, beautiful things on ClickHole.com that are completely unlike anything the internet has ever seen. If these new features do not change your life, you can sue us.
WHAT ABOUT ALL THE OLD CLICKHOLE CONTENT FROM THE PAST THAT I LOVE?
The entire ClickHole archive can still be found on our new website! All the universally beloved classics and obscure cult favorites from bygone years have been preserved for your enjoyment.
WHO ALL THE TIME DOES LOOK AT ME THROUGH MY KEYHOLE WHILE I DO MY EXERCISES ON THE FLOOR?
That is the Lord Jesus Christ and his friend Lance, who is a pervert.
WHERE CAN CLICKHOLE’S EPOCH-DEFINING VIDEOS BE FOUND?
For the time being, all of ClickHole’s videos can be found on our YouTube channel. You can even find the long-absent Gatorade video there, which we had to take down for a while due to a BASELESS and SHAMEFUL lawsuit that we eventually resolved by paying a HEFTY SETTLEMENT. Our hope is that we will one day be able to resume making new wonderful videos for you to watch in the dark of your windowless, stink-filled hovels. When this day comes, we will call you on the telephone and let you know.
WILL YOU PUT ON A FRIGHTENING WOLF MASK ON AND CHASE MY SCREAMING DAD AROUND THE KITCHEN IN ORDER TO MAKE HIM DO EXERCISE?
No. That’s your mother’s job.
WHERE IS CLICKHOLE’S BEAUTIFUL TREASURE?
ClickHole’s world-famous treasure can be found here. ClickHole is proud to be the only website in the world with treasure.
CAN I TOUCH THE TREASURE?
WHAT IF I TRY TO STEAL THE TREASURE?
We will put a curse on you.
Yes, we agree. And thank you for continuing to read ClickHole.com. We will try as hard as we can to make this a nice place to visit. We hope you have a pleasant time clicking around on the website today, and all the days of your life from now on.
Long live ClickHole!