Welp, looks like our relaxing mid-morning stroll has taken a turn for the fucking horrifying, because our normally well-behaved pet just went psycho on a helpless little creature: The dog caught a hobbit.
Fuck us, man, what a mess. We really didn’t need this shit today!
We were out taking our dog Mango around the park on his regular daily walk, same as we’ve done a thousand goddamn times before without incident, and somehow in the two fucking minutes we gave him to drop a deuce behind the bushes he managed to find, catch, and thrash the ever-loving shit out of a poor little hobbit. We got him to drop it pretty quick but Christ, fuckin’ Mango really did a number on the thing: The hobbit’s guts are hanging out of its torn-up little waistcoat, its spine is bent back at a truly sickening angle, and there’s a big hairy foot lying on its own off in the grass. Worst of all, after all that abuse the hobbit’s still not dead somehow. It’s just pitifully dragging its limp lower half around making this awful high-pitched gasping sound. Ugh, it looks so confused and afraid. God fuckin’ dammit, Mango.
This goober’s dumbassed prey drive just added at least another hour of bullshit to our morning. For one thing, we’ve gotta go to the damn vet to make sure Mango didn’t eat any pipe-weed or mathoms or phials of the light of Eärendil’s star the hobbit might have been carrying, not to mention give him a bath to get out all the blood and puked-up second breakfast he rolled around in like a freaky fuckin’ jackass. And then, God help us, there’s still the hobbit. We can’t just leave it here to suffer, but it’s probably too far gone for the vet, if they even do hobbits. The elves of Ithilien could heal it, maybe. But oof, that’s like a 40 mile drive from here, and we really don’t feel like getting hobbit blood all over the back of our new fuckin’ Honda Odyssey. Nothing for it but to put the little sucker out of its misery, we guess. Don’t see any rocks or branches big enough to do it. We could just stomp on its head really hard? Ugh, no, that’s too much for us. Maybe… maybe we can just snap its neck. Yeah, that’s quick, and almost sort of dignified. Okay, here goes.
Sorry little guy, we’re just gonna come in nice and easy and SHIT, OW! THE FUCKIN’ HOBBIT BIT US!
Motherfucker, now we’ve gotta get a fuckin’ rabies series on top of all this other shit. Thank God the park is empty, because we yelled pretty loud and the last thing we need right now is some horrified jogger siccing all of TikTok on us like losing sight of our dog for two minutes makes us fuckin’ Saruman. Look, we know how important hobbits are for ridding the ecosystem of great evils through their gentle stoutness of heart—this shit was Mango’s idea, not ours! We’ve hit the brakes for damn near a hundred little Tooks and Proudfeet over the years, most people just paste ‘em without a second thought. Hell, the only harm we ever did to a hobbit was accidentally pulp one with the lawnmower once, and that was instantaneous. It felt nothing. So maybe we’ve banked enough karma to just leave this little guy and let people think a Nazgûl got it, or at the very least hit the vet and ER first and come back later to finish it off with a fuckin’ shovel.
Boy, some fucking walk this turned out to be. Hope Mango’s fuckin’ proud of himself, because his dumb hobbit-chomping ass just ruined our whole goddamn day!
