If you thought you were actually coming back to your date’s four-bedroom apartment just to check out his aquarium, think again, because he just walked out of the bathroom absolutely reeking of orange Dial soap, cracked open a bottle of room temperature Yellow Tail moscato, and cranked up the Black Keys Pandora radio on his iPhone 6, which can mean just one thing: You’ve got yourself a one-way Megabus ticket to Fuck City, population 69!
Allllllllll aboard!
It looks like your date is ready to pull out all the stops for you tonight, because he just rinsed out a wine glass with water before pouring you a glass of moscato from the Yellow Tail wine bottle he was for some reason keeping on the floor. Then, as he sidled up next to you on the futon with your warm drink in hand, he seamlessly flung his arm around your shoulder while singing along to “Gold On The Ceiling,” during which he nailed almost every word.
And yeah, his armpit smells like BO, but mostly like Axe! Ch-chiiiiiiiiiiiing.
Now wouldn’t you know it, the Pandora radio station just playing an ad for Gardasil shots, which hopefully you’re up to date on, because where this low-cost double decker bus is going, you’re gonna need ‘em! And holy shit—the next song on the radio is by Spoon!
Yessssss. Love Spoon.
Unfortunately, one of your date’s five roommates just walked into the living room and started playing Fallout super loud, but the good news is that this Megabus is not about to hit a pit stop. No, your date’s got way too much game to call it quits right now. So even though the roommate’s sitting there like, five feet away, your date just put your hand over his crotch without making eye contact or saying anything to you at all.
Oh shit, so this is how it’s gonna be! Well, dayum!
So take that, naysayers of the brunch table, because swiping right on a guy wearing the same Scooby Doo shirt in every single one of his photos was a good move after all. And after seven minutes of silence during which you watched a guy apparently named “Krebs” or maybe “Creibs” curse at his video games while your hand sat motionless on top of the layer of dark wash boot cut Mossimo jeans covering your date’s dick, your date turned to you and said, “Want to see my room?”
Bow chicka wow wowwwww. Fuck City, here you come!
