Aye, mateys, hear ye of a wild tale currently unfolding at yon Greenville High School, one so cringe-worthy that it’ll leave ye wanting to walk the plank: The principal’s still committing to the school’s “Talk Like A Pirate” spirit day over the morning announcements while saying there’s an active shooter in the building.
Shiver me timbers! Batten down the hatches, Greenville students!
At 7:39 this morning, Principal Walter Crutchfield, who showed up to work in an eyepatch and bright red bandanna in honor of the school’s Talk Like A Pirate spirit day, was in the middle of encouraging students to “round up their doubloons” to purchase homecoming tickets when he received word that an adult male had entered the building with an automatic rifle and fired multiple shots near the gymnasium. Not wasting a moment, Principal Crutchfield bravely did his duty as both a protector and a spirited principal, shouting “Avast! Thar’s a mean son-of-a-biscuit-eater on the deck! Teachers and students, commence active shooter protocol immediately, and keep yer sea legs about ye!” Panic quickly began to spread in the main office as security rushed to ascertain the shooter’s location, but Principal Crutchfield did not once drop his pirate-like affect, barking “Heave ho! Blow the man down!” while exhorting students to remain in place and refrain from talking.
As more shots were heard, screams from nearby teachers and students were punctuated by Principal Crutchfield’s theme-day-appropriate cries of “Blimey!” and “Send that scoundrel to Davy Jones’ locker!” Police finally arrived on scene after five tense minutes, and Principal Crutchfield could be heard informing them that the “mean ol’ scurvy dog” was last spotted “lurking about the crow’s nest,” a term he had apparently coined for the third-story science wing, the school’s uppermost section. He was later escorted from the school still wearing his eyepatch, with the fake parrot he had brought from home perched safely on his shoulder even as he hugged teachers and fellow administrators with tears in his eyes.
Principal Crutchfield, you old sea dog, you are a true swashbuckler, and we commend ye for your unbreakable school spirit! This terrible tragedy may have happened on Talk Like A Pirate Day, but it certainly didn’t stop Talk Like A Pirate Day, and we have the principal to thank for that. It’s a pirate’s life for him!
