For anyone who is interested in grocery stores and their business models, or is simply looking to have some fun during their weekly pantry restock, here is some amazing news: Giant Food has announced that if anyone wants to start fucking the self-checkout machines, they’re not really monitoring that.
This is so great!
The statement from Giant came out this morning in the form of a press release, wherein a Giant spokesperson stated, “We have between six and eight self checkout machines at the majority of our locations and nowhere near the amount of personnel we’d need to keep a careful watch over them, so if you’re interested, you can pretty much just drop your pants in the store and have sex with the machines whenever you want, to the extent that that’s possible for you physically.” The statement went on to explain that “each machine has at least one hole where change can come out, plus a couple different slots and a big scanning surface you can feel free to sit on. Point is, however you should decide to have sex with our machines, we’ve got no way of monitoring or logging those incidents. There may be one security guard near the front door, and they may or may not have something to say about it if you’re rubbing your balls on the self-checkout keypad or using the scanner to repeatedly ring up your vulva, but that’s about it.”
“Right now,” the statement continued, “we’re mostly trying to work on the thing where the machines get mad at you for putting an item in the bagging area a half-second too late and completely lock you out of the scanning process. So let’s just say that customers dealing with that issue are our first priority, and if someone next to them is sensually rubbing their crotch against one of the other machines, or sticking their penis into its card reader slot, that’s fine.”
“To be clear, we haven’t noticed anybody doing this yet. We just want our customers to be aware that if they did, there would be no consequences,” the statement concluded. “Thanks as always for being a valued member of the Giant Food family.”
Awesome! This is simply great news for all involved. We can’t wait to see whether people take heed and start fucking the machines at Giant!
