Kids, it’s time to clench those cheeks, because if you can keep your poo in, you might just win an awesome prize: Post Cereal has announced a new contest where whichever kid in America can hold their shit in the longest wins a lifetime supply of Fruity Pebbles!
OMG! Where was a contest this cool when we were kids?!?
Starting next Monday, expect the sewers to be a lot less clogged, because kids all over America will be holding in their shit for a chance to receive all the Fruity Pebbles they can eat for the rest of their lives. In order to win, all you need to do is to avoid pooping longer than any other kid in America, which will be verified by an x-ray to confirm that the amount of shit backed up in a potential winner’s colon medically correlates to how many days the contest has been going on.
In a new commercial for Fruity Pebbles, the cereal brand offers some tips for kids participating in the contest. The commercial opens with two kids writhing on the floor in pain. The boy says, “I don’t think I can hold it in much longer. I really need to poo!” The girl responds, “When you’ve got to go, just say no!” before reminding him that if you just lie there on the floor long enough, it will eventually suck back up inside of you. The boy tries to breathe through the pain for a moment before getting up and running to the bathroom. Loud farting noises commence offscreen as the girl cheers, shouting, “Oh well! More Fruity Pebbles for me!”
So cool! If you’re a parent, it’s time to set your kid down on the toilet right now and let them get it all out, because after that it might be weeks before they pinch anything else out!
Post has encouraged children to stay honest and fess up if they find any tiny little turds that sneak out in their underwear, and the company has also suggested that parents check their child’s bed for feces each morning in case their child has accidentally relieved themselves during the night. The company has also specified that because there’s no fiber in Fruity Pebbles, children partaking in this contest should feel free to eat as much Fruity Pebbles as they want, as it will probably improve their chances at winning.
Get excited, kids, because a lifetime supply of Fruity Pebbles is pretty much the coolest prize you could ever win! Just squeeze that sphincter tight, ignore the abdominal pain, and imagine all the amazing rainbow-colored dumps you’re gonna take when you’re living it up with an all-Fruity Pebbles diet. This is your destiny!