Drew Carey has been pretty down these past few months, so his best dudes have decided to put their heads together and figure out a way to get their man some tail for the first time ever. Can you help them piece together the perfect plan? Take the quiz to find out!
Can You Help Drew Carey’s Buddies Put Together The Perfect Plan To Finally Get Their Boy Laid?
2. Sucks, man.
3. Yeah, could see Wee Man crushing that gig.
1. Got it. I’m ready to help.
2. Sure, I'll give it a whirl.
3. Don’t think I’m the right fit to help, but sure, yeah.
1. I would explain that I already have several 62-year-old men in my own life whom I view as little brothers, proving that I’m totally sympathetic to this unnatural dynamic that God never intended.
2. I would explain my long history of despising Wee Man and tell them about how, when I used to watch Jackass as a kid, I would always pray for him to get decapitated during a stunt.
3. I would demonstrate my commitment to solving Drew’s problems by first giving Drew a totally different problem—a lazy eye, let’s say, which I’d inflict on him by systemically feeding him veterinarian-grade tranquilizer pills I falsely claim are vitamins for gum health, thus fucking up his eye muscles. Once he has the lazy eye, I would then figure out a way to fix it for him, or at least teach him how to be fine with having a lazy eye.
1. Using deepfake technology, I would create over 200 hours of pornography doctored to look like Drew’s parents having passionate, fulfilling sex with Whitey Bulger. After watching all 200 hours together, I would posit that if his parents were willing to toss all morals aside to have 200 hours of sex with someone as objectively evil as Whitey Bulger, then sex has to be pretty fun.
2. I’d break it down in terms he can understand, explaining that having sex is even more pleasurable than seeing Wee Man get hurt.
3. I’d rework Drew’s misguided thought process by giving him something totally new to obsess over—say, a second lazy eye, which I’d inflict on him by feeding him copious amounts of vet-grade tranquilizers I tell him are vitamins to fix his first lazy eye. Once that’s accomplished, he’ll be spending way too much time thinking about having two lazy eyes to ever remember to be mad about sex.
1. An Airbnb in the mountains, where Drew can relax in the peace and splendor of nature while unwittingly succumbing to the influence of all the sexy, boob-shaped mountains, which would subconsciously stimulate his horniness.
2. A Radisson hotel suite decked out with ‘80s Motley Crue-levels of debauchery—strippers, cocaine, the whole nine—but it’ll be one of those sad-looking Radisson's off a random suburban highway that only 55-year-old dudes attending sales conferences stay at, thus balancing out the vibe.
3. At the zoo, where I would secretly pump all the chimpanzees full of HGH so that they get all riled up and just loudly bang the shit out of each other the whole party. The family-friendly atmosphere of the zoo would put Drew at ease, while the foul cacophony of ape-fucking would inevitably gear his mind towards sex.
1. “Hop in, Drew! Turns out that renting this limo for two hours a day for the next five days comes out to the same-ish price as the boys trip we were planning, so this is what we decided to do instead.”
2. “Drew, didn’t you hear? Tonight is Wee Man’s funeral. He died this afternoon after decapitating himself with a new stunt called, ‘The Circular Dryer Door Decapitation,’ and his parents are burying him at night out of shame.
3. “Get in. We’re going to a Tony Robbins seminar about how having two lazy eyes is what happens to weak-minded people who allow themselves to have two lazy eyes.”
1. I would bring the loud fucking chimps from the zoo to make a big racket so that bashful ol’ Drew appears nice and chill in comparison. Given the choice between fucking a shrieking, muscular chimp or a gentle, quiet man like Drew, most people are probably gonna go for Drew.
2. Drew’s most attractive trait is the fact that he’s on TV, so I would exaggerate that aspect of his life by hiring several Pamela Anderson impersonators to fight over which is the real Pamela Anderson and therefore deserves to claim Drew’s virginity.
3. Unbeknownst to Drew, we hire an adult-sized eighth grader to come and taunt Drew into fighting him. If Drew wins the fight, he’ll come off as alpha. If Drew loses, he’ll come off as noble for allowing an eighth grader to blow off some steam by beating the shit out of him.
1. Karaoke, but only from a selection of songs whose lyrics include words like “Drew,” “Carey,” “please,” “anyone,” “even if you’re elderly,” “need release now,” “gentle fellatio,” and “chubby lover”.
2. We bring in Pete Rose to do an autograph booth, but instead of signing that photo of him diving into Ray Fosse in the 1970 All-Star Game like he always does, he signs a photo of Drew Carey diving into a store with super-tinted windows called Adult Carnival.
3. A casino-style sports gambling floor where guests can wager on lines set by Drew Experts (the Wrecking Crew), like -800 odds for Drew to be into wild BDSM-gag-ball stuff right off the bat, a 12.5 over/under for how many times Drew cries tonight, or parlays on any number of guess-the-size-of-Drew’s-bush bets that’ll be offered.
1. I’ll start saying some bullshit about how Drew let Wee Man be his TV sidekick as part of a Make-A-Wish thing, making him seem like a kind, sensitive man who goes out of his way to help the disabled.
2. I’ll laugh a little and say, “Right. Rounders is great,” so that people will think he’s just reciting lines from the 1998 film Rounders instead of saying sad shit about his dog. Hopefully, then, the conversation will naturally turn into a conversation about Rounders.
3. I’ll go abandon his dog in the woods so he doesn’t have to think about it anymore.
1. How would seeing photos of Drew as a child make people want to have sex with him?
2. Seems kinda dicey to intertwine childhood photos and sex in any way, really.
1. Gotta stop zooming in on Drew’s midsection, Petey. That’s upsetting to women.
1. “I’ve got some wine and a killer album collection back at my place, but they’re being guarded by a feral dog who’d surely yank you around like a dummy in a police training video. How about we continue this conversation back at your house?
2. “I’ve never told anyone this, but I feel comfortable being vulnerable around you, so here it is: I avoid looking at my own penis for fear that one day it’ll look totally different from how it’s looked my entire life, as if my penis was replaced by a stranger’s. The worst part of this nightmare scenario would be that, since I’m a virgin, no one will have gotten to know my penis well enough to either confirm or deny that it looks different, thus leaving me in my own Penis Twilight Zone, totally alone in my knowing. Now, you tell me: Will you be the one who finally learns what my penis looks like?”
3. “I gotta get home to take vitamins to fix my eyes. Would you like to join me?”
1. “When the time comes, your penis will essentially feel hungry, and you don’t have to teach a hungry animal how to find food.”
2. “Find her mushy part and put your hard part in it.”
3. “Sex is a fancy, made-up word for when two consenting adults are acting out and looking for attention.”
All 13 questions completed!
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