Before we really dive in, you’re gonna need some context so you know what you’re dealing with: Drew Carey is in the thick of a pretty rough stretch. The Price is Right added a sidekick to the show like the way late-night shows have, and the sidekick is Wee Man, who obviously outshines Drew in every single way. The guy’s a natural, and a lot of his best moments come directly at Drew’s expense. Like, he’s developed this running gag where, every time Drew makes a particularly impotent quip—which happens very often—Wee Man doubles over like he just got kicked in the groin, shakes his head, and yells, “Hoochie mama, Drew boy!” Everyone goes nuts for that shit. The CBS online store even started selling T-shirts that say “Hoochie Mama, Drew boy!” and they’re moving units like a motherfucker. Pretty clear that Wee Man will have Drew’s job fairly soon.
3. Yeah, could see Wee Man crushing that gig.
Yeah. Also, the old episodes of The Price Is Right on syndication have added pop-up trivia bubbles the way music videos on VH1 used to do, but most of the trivia is just kind-of-mean tidbits about Drew Carey, like how much he weighs or which antidepressants made him feel too numb or the fact that he signed a 14-year, $500,000 contract back in 2007, which sounds like a good amount, but actually only breaks down to about $6.25 an hour. With all that going on, Drew’s friends wanna do something nice for him, and that nice thing is going to be getting him some ass. Got it?
1. Got it. I’m ready to help.
2. Sure, I'll give it a whirl.
3. Don’t think I’m the right fit to help, but sure, yeah.
Okay, let’s introduce you to the friend group, or “The Wrecking Crew,” as they call themselves. These guys have been like brothers to Drew for decades and know him even better than he knows himself. First, there’s Mike Fintz, a Korean War vet who rings a bell for the Salvation Army and met Drew when Drew stopped by one day and tried to buy his bell off of him. Then there’s Tommy Balaskas, a ShopRite cart wrangler who took Drew under his wing as a kid a la Jack Nicholson in The Departed. Then there’s Petey Ulrich, a handyman who lost part of his thumb while installing Drew’s automatic garage door in ‘03 and ended up bonding with him over the trauma. And lastly, there’s Leo Unterkoffler, who worked building security on The Drew Carey Show and endeared himself to Drew by making him new key fobs a couple times a week on account of Drew’s habit of dropping his key fobs in the toilet. Despite ranging between 35 and 90 years old, everyone in the Wrecking Crew sees Drew as sort of a little brother, and they’re all very protective of him. How would you prove to them that you have Drew’s best interests in mind?
1. I would explain that I already have several 62-year-old men in my own life whom I view as little brothers, proving that I’m totally sympathetic to this unnatural dynamic that God never intended.
2. I would explain my long history of despising Wee Man and tell them about how, when I used to watch Jackass as a kid, I would always pray for him to get decapitated during a stunt.
3. I would demonstrate my commitment to solving Drew’s problems by first giving Drew a totally different problem—a lazy eye, let’s say, which I’d inflict on him by systemically feeding him veterinarian-grade tranquilizer pills I falsely claim are vitamins for gum health, thus fucking up his eye muscles. Once he has the lazy eye, I would then figure out a way to fix it for him, or at least teach him how to be fine with having a lazy eye.
Obviously, Drew has an incredibly odd and strained relationship with sex. He’s only ever brought it up in conversation one time, when everyone was posted up at Dave & Busters to watch the Mayweather-Pacquiao fight back in 2015. The camera landed on Charles Barkley in the crowd, and right then, Drew slapped the table hard, looked to the sky and muttered, “Alright, God, I get it. You’re laying on the signs a little thick. I’ll have sex tonight. I’ll do it,” and then nothing happened. Wasn’t clear whether Drew thought God wanted him to have sex with Chuck, or if he mistakenly thought Chuck was some sex icon and was inspired by him, or what. Bottom line, Drew hates thinking about sex, which could be a major obstacle. As a first step, how would you gradually change Drew’s unusual attitude toward sex?
1. Using deepfake technology, I would create over 200 hours of pornography doctored to look like Drew’s parents having passionate, fulfilling sex with Whitey Bulger. After watching all 200 hours together, I would posit that if his parents were willing to toss all morals aside to have 200 hours of sex with someone as objectively evil as Whitey Bulger, then sex has to be pretty fun.
2. I’d break it down in terms he can understand, explaining that having sex is even more pleasurable than seeing Wee Man get hurt.
3. I’d rework Drew’s misguided thought process by giving him something totally new to obsess over—say, a second lazy eye, which I’d inflict on him by feeding him copious amounts of vet-grade tranquilizers I tell him are vitamins to fix his first lazy eye. Once that’s accomplished, he’ll be spending way too much time thinking about having two lazy eyes to ever remember to be mad about sex.
After kicking around tons of ideas in the “Get Drew’s Dick Wet” group text (“Thanksgiving Eve let’s walk around the boardwalk and just see what happens,” “could always just have sex with Drew ourselves,” “willing to spend $ on VR if VR counts,” etc.), the gang has decided that the most surefire course of action would be to throw a massive, post-Prom-level party with tons of guests, thus putting Drew in the same room with as many potential partners as possible. Where would you suggest this party be held, knowing that the location has to be a safe, comfortable space for Drew, but also somewhere guests will get plenty horned up?
1. An Airbnb in the mountains, where Drew can relax in the peace and splendor of nature while unwittingly succumbing to the influence of all the sexy, boob-shaped mountains, which would subconsciously stimulate his horniness.
2. A Radisson hotel suite decked out with ‘80s Motley Crue-levels of debauchery—strippers, cocaine, the whole nine—but it’ll be one of those sad-looking Radisson's off a random suburban highway that only 55-year-old dudes attending sales conferences stay at, thus balancing out the vibe.
3. At the zoo, where I would secretly pump all the chimpanzees full of HGH so that they get all riled up and just loudly bang the shit out of each other the whole party. The family-friendly atmosphere of the zoo would put Drew at ease, while the foul cacophony of ape-fucking would inevitably gear his mind towards sex.
The dudes have decided that they’re going to take a limo to the party because, as Leo put it in the group text, “This prob the last chance I’ll get to be in a limo before I die,” which got two thumbs-up reactions. Drew is definitely gonna be suspicious, though, when all of his best buds roll up in a limo and tell him to get in. What lie would you tell Drew to coax him into coming with?
1. “Hop in, Drew! Turns out that renting this limo for two hours a day for the next five days comes out to the same-ish price as the boys trip we were planning, so this is what we decided to do instead.”
2. “Drew, didn’t you hear? Tonight is Wee Man’s funeral. He died this afternoon after decapitating himself with a new stunt called, ‘The Circular Dryer Door Decapitation,’ and his parents are burying him at night out of shame.
3. “Get in. We’re going to a Tony Robbins seminar about how having two lazy eyes is what happens to weak-minded people who allow themselves to have two lazy eyes.”
Getting down to the nitty gritty, the biggest hurdle in getting Drew laid at this party is going to be his incredibly unattractive personality. The man’s self-esteem is just so, so low. He regularly offers meek apologies for things that are objectively not his fault, like if a dish in a restaurant comes out on a distractingly bright-colored plate, or when the moon looks way smaller in an iPhone photo than it does in real life. Spending any time with him at all is akin to watching a lonely husky kid on a boogie repeatedly eat shit, then come up with water all in his nose and seaweed on his neck and his Gap boardshorts halfway down his ass—just a real, pitiful bummer. How will you help Drew come off as not only tolerable to partygoers, but full-blown sexually attractive?
1. I would bring the loud fucking chimps from the zoo to make a big racket so that bashful ol’ Drew appears nice and chill in comparison. Given the choice between fucking a shrieking, muscular chimp or a gentle, quiet man like Drew, most people are probably gonna go for Drew.
2. Drew’s most attractive trait is the fact that he’s on TV, so I would exaggerate that aspect of his life by hiring several Pamela Anderson impersonators to fight over which is the real Pamela Anderson and therefore deserves to claim Drew’s virginity.
3. Unbeknownst to Drew, we hire an adult-sized eighth grader to come and taunt Drew into fighting him. If Drew wins the fight, he’ll come off as alpha. If Drew loses, he’ll come off as noble for allowing an eighth grader to blow off some steam by beating the shit out of him.
Given that Drew is a notoriously awful conversationalist, eternally acting the way you might on your first day at a new job—way too agreeable and over-smiley with zero indication of a concrete personality, sporting a pained, vacant-looking expession that feels just a touch psychopathic—the Wrecking Crew thinks there should be some kind of activity at the party, preferably one that’s sex-with-Drew-themed, to minimize how much talking Drew will actually have to do. What would you recommend?
1. Karaoke, but only from a selection of songs whose lyrics include words like “Drew,” “Carey,” “please,” “anyone,” “even if you’re elderly,” “need release now,” “gentle fellatio,” and “chubby lover”.
2. We bring in Pete Rose to do an autograph booth, but instead of signing that photo of him diving into Ray Fosse in the 1970 All-Star Game like he always does, he signs a photo of Drew Carey diving into a store with super-tinted windows called Adult Carnival.
3. A casino-style sports gambling floor where guests can wager on lines set by Drew Experts (the Wrecking Crew), like -800 odds for Drew to be into wild BDSM-gag-ball stuff right off the bat, a 12.5 over/under for how many times Drew cries tonight, or parlays on any number of guess-the-size-of-Drew’s-bush bets that’ll be offered.
Oh, also, something to look out for: Drew rescued a dog recently, thinking that taking care of a puppy might get him out of his own head and make him feel better, but he somehow bungled the paperwork and ended up adopting the mom, which has been a pretty big nightmare. This old dog is a real vicious fuck. She barks nonstop, blasts her anal glands like a goddamn firehose all over his furniture, and relentlessly bites Drew on his hands and ankles whenever he dares to leave his bedroom. Unfortunately, whining about this dog is all Drew ever does anymore, which is a major turn-off to say the least. Every few minutes, he’ll just tell sad stories about the old dog that make everyone feel uncomfortable and very aware of their own mortality. It’s a huge bummer. When Drew talks about his dog, how will you steer the conversation to something else so that he doesn’t scare off potential sexual partners?
1. I’ll start saying some bullshit about how Drew let Wee Man be his TV sidekick as part of a Make-A-Wish thing, making him seem like a kind, sensitive man who goes out of his way to help the disabled.
2. I’ll laugh a little and say, “Right. Rounders is great,” so that people will think he’s just reciting lines from the 1998 film Rounders instead of saying sad shit about his dog. Hopefully, then, the conversation will naturally turn into a conversation about Rounders.
3. I’ll go abandon his dog in the woods so he doesn’t have to think about it anymore.
Petey just attended this online seminar for work that taught him how to use PowerPoint, and now he’s pretty dead-set on shoehorning a PowerPoint into this plan. He’s thinking that during the whole party, he’ll have a slideshow playing on a loop that shows a bunch of photos of Drew from his childhood, the way that funerals do sometimes. Thoughts?
1. How would seeing photos of Drew as a child make people want to have sex with him?
2. Seems kinda dicey to intertwine childhood photos and sex in any way, really.
Turns out Petey only asked everyone’s opinion to be nice, and that he’s definitely doing the PowerPoint because he already made the PowerPoint. Got a bunch of childhood photos from Drew’s sister. Put “Everybody Wants Some” by Van Halen as the song that plays. Even figured out how to do that Ken Burns pan over Drew’s groin in a bunch of photos.
1. Gotta stop zooming in on Drew’s midsection, Petey. That’s upsetting to women.
When Drew finally has someone interested, he’s definitely not going to know how to close the deal. Left to his own devices, he’d surely keep rambling on about some insanely boring nonsense no one cares about, like how much Amtrak shells out per year in settlements to families of people who died on Amtrak trains, or how he prefers telephone poles made from southern yellow pine over the “tacky-looking” Douglas fir—truly mind-numbing shit that’s guaranteed to scare pretty much any woman away. What pickup line would you suggest Drew say instead in order to get a woman to sleep with him?
1. “I’ve got some wine and a killer album collection back at my place, but they’re being guarded by a feral dog who’d surely yank you around like a dummy in a police training video. How about we continue this conversation back at your house?
2. “I’ve never told anyone this, but I feel comfortable being vulnerable around you, so here it is: I avoid looking at my own penis for fear that one day it’ll look totally different from how it’s looked my entire life, as if my penis was replaced by a stranger’s. The worst part of this nightmare scenario would be that, since I’m a virgin, no one will have gotten to know my penis well enough to either confirm or deny that it looks different, thus leaving me in my own Penis Twilight Zone, totally alone in my knowing. Now, you tell me: Will you be the one who finally learns what my penis looks like?”
3. “I gotta get home to take vitamins to fix my eyes. Would you like to join me?”
Lastly—and this is admittedly a tricky one—it’s not 100 percent clear whether Drew actually knows how sex works or what it entails. He once said that he doesn’t follow professional tennis closely because the broadcasters “always make it about sex,” which, considering that is patently untrue, is very confusing. Just to be safe, what would you say to Drew to quickly educate him on how sex will go?
1. “When the time comes, your penis will essentially feel hungry, and you don’t have to teach a hungry animal how to find food.”
2. “Find her mushy part and put your hard part in it.”
3. “Sex is a fancy, made-up word for when two consenting adults are acting out and looking for attention.”