Hunting may be exciting, but it’s impossible to ignore the fact that it’s a cruel sport which treats living beings as if they are disposable. However, one kind-hearted hunter has found a way to practice his favorite hobby without causing any death at all: Instead of killing animals, he just roughs them up a bit and steals their stuff.
Beautiful! What a wonderful example of how to treat animals compassionately.
Thirty-two-year-old plumber Magnus Erikson loves the thrill of matching his wits against animals in nature, but unlike most hunters, he can’t stand the idea of killing them. So when he heads into the woods after wild game, it looks a little different than a typical hunt. First off, he doesn’t bring a bow or a gun. He heads out to pursue rabbits, deer, turkeys, squirrels, elk, and more armed with nothing but his wits and a small satchel. Second off, he doesn’t aim to kill the animals, but just to rough them up enough to show them who’s boss, slap them around a little and shove them into a tree a couple of times. Finally, he’s not after their meat. He just wants their stuff.
“I could never take an innocent animal’s life, but I love to take their stuff,” explained Magnus. “So, if you’re an animal in my sights, you can rest assured that while you’re going to live to see another day, all of your stuff is going home with me. I’m gonna give you a couple of noogies and put my foot in your ass, maybe hit ya with a titty twister, and then I’m gonna take your acorn stash or your nest or whatever you’ve got and probably make you cry in the process. Your life is safe with me, but your stuff is mine now, bitch.”
While most hunters fill their walls with gruesome trophies such as animal heads and pelts, Magnus does nothing of the sort. Instead, he displays the spoils he’s collected after dropping out of trees and emerging from bushes to dole out mild ass kickings to fuzzy critters and snag their stuff. Stashes of pinecones, large clutches of eggs, garbage, you name it. If an animal in the woods can own it, Magnus has forcibly stolen it from one.
“This is a half-empty can of dog food I wrestled away from a raccoon,” said Magnus with pride as he showed off a gnawed-up Pedigree can on his fireplace mantel. “That raccoon really wanted to keep it, but after I tugged on its tail a couple times and spit in its face, it was all mine. I would never kill a raccoon, but I’ll gladly humiliate one in front of its family and pry its most prized possession from its claws and take it home for myself. To me, it’s a bigger thrill than murdering an animal could ever be.”
What a thoughtful and sympathetic approach to what’s usually such a bloody, grim pastime.
While Magnus’ unique brand of hunting has yet to catch on, he hopes that more hunters will find it in their hearts to stop killing animals and just start beating them up and robbing them instead. Magnus is living proof that hunting can be a sport of compassion instead of cruelty, and that it can be more rewarding to power-bomb a wild turkey and steal its eggs than to end its life. It’s a beautiful thing. This world needs more hunters in the woods like Magnus.
