Well, here’s an unfortunate story that’s bad news for pretty much everyone involved: The friend you and your friends always talked about needing to get his shit together got his shit together way too much and now he’s healthier and making more money than any of you.
Nope, this isn’t how this was supposed to turn out.
Since your friend group first formed back in high school, you and your friends have always been concerned that your buddy Patrick really needed to get his shit together. It seemed like the guy was always having financial issues and drinking too much, not to mention his being inept at relationships and totally out of shape. Many a conversation in the group chat where you primarily talk shit about Patrick’s foibles began with something like, “Guess who already had to sell the PS5 he just bought…” or “Pat just ordered 2 Big Macs…so much for his diet I guess?” followed by dozens of texts about how he’s such a good dude but really needs some guidance. You’ve even talked repeatedly about having some sort of intervention for him. But recently, something changed.
After no one heard much from Pat at all for a few years (which you all speculated, without any real evidence, was due to him “getting way worse”), he reemerged a changed man. The dude who was once known for his impressive beer chugging skills and penchant for eating nothing but hot dogs had begun hitting the gym, started his own company, and completely turned his finances around. To make matters worse, he’s now driving a brand new truck (which he claims is paid off) and has a super hot new girlfriend who is apparently some kind of doctor.
Dear God. This is terrible. Pat getting his shit together to this extent is even worse than if he had really started to fall off. Sure, you were all rooting for him to like, cut his drinking down to a few days a week and land an okay job working at a pinball bar or something, but not surpass every one of you in practically every way. Now, you and your friends have to compare yourselves to a ripped, wealthy version of the guy who lived with his parents until he was 27 and had a band called Weed Goblin, and have you no excuse for not having your shit as together as he does.
Yep. This is as bad as it gets.
Hopefully something will happen to move the needle back the other way and Pat will become at least a partial fuckup again, because there’s no chance you or any of your friends are going to get your shit together much more than you already have. You can always subtly encourage him to start drinking again or try giving his new girlfriend the ick by showing her some photos of him back when he was out of shape, but until then, Pat getting his shit together is a full-blown crisis for everyone who ever hoped Pat would someday get his shit together.
