If you’re a tiny little executioner who doesn’t fit the cookie-cutter mold of a 7-foot-10-inch brute with chest hair as thick as spaghetti sprouting from his veiny pecs, you’re going to love this: Execution Warehouse is now selling an executioner’s hood for petite executioners.
So. Much. Yes! Finally, an acknowledgement that beheading criminals with a double-headed ax in the town square in front of throngs of cheering onlookers isn’t a one-size-fits-all gig.
For centuries, itty-bitty executioners, some no larger than housecats, have been forced to wear massive hoods made for linebacker-size hangmen because the execution industry was stuck in the Middle Ages. These smaller executioners often had to modify their thick studded leather hoods or risk the eye holes not lining up with their eyes—a hazard which would regularly cause executioners to miss a target’s neck, instead chopping off the top of a criminal’s head or burying the ax into their back. These moments would invariably result in an embarrassing chorus of boos from the bloodthirsty commoners gathered at the beheading block, not to mention a major hit to the executioner’s reputation.
Well, all of that has changed now that Execution Warehouse has added petite sizes to their line of executioner hoods, which were formerly only available in XXXL. Now, wee little executioners won’t have to look unprofessional wearing a hood that practically covers their entire body when they lead their victims to the guillotine or gallows to execute them for practicing witchcraft or failing to bow to the King. Children, women, and real small little guys will now all be able to find a hood at Execution Warehouse that fits their needs as an executioner.
It’s about time. Petite executioners, today is your day!
Executing is a career for everyone, not just bear-sized men, and finally the execution industry is putting that dated stereotype to bed. While they certainly took their sweet time stepping into the 21st century, Execution Warehouse has done the right thing here. We’re guessing they’re going to sell a boatload of these things, and we are so here for it! Now let’s get out there and lop off some heads in styyyyyle!