We don’t want to sound like we’re being sore losers here, but the outcome of a supposedly legitimate giveaway has made it impossible for us to believe there was ever a level playing field to begin with: Ann Romney just won Mitt Romney’s first annual fuck-a-fan contest.
Oh sure, the guy’s wife just happened to win by coincidence. Sure!
The first-ever Meet Mitt’s Meat Annual Fan Fuck Extravaganza came to a frankly bullshit conclusion this morning, with an announcement on Romney’s official senate.gov webpage saying, “We’ve drawn our winner for my inaugural fuck-a-fan contest, and the lucky member of Romney Nation to get dicked down by my 10 Mormon inches is…the light of my life and mother of my five wonderful boys, Mrs. Ann Romney! Honey, our lovemaking has always been a sacred expression of intimacy and trust, but this time, Ol’ Mitt’s gonna truly FUCK ya. I’m talking about a fuck that breaks the bed frame, a fuck so hard our maid will be scrubbing squirt off of the gosh-darn ceiling. I’m deeply grateful to my millions of fans and constituents who threw their hats into the ring to get piped by yours truly, but there can only be one winner, so ditch those culottes, darlin’, because sweet Papa Mitt’s coming to pump those holes full of Romney sauce!”
Honestly, we’re beyond disappointed by this. Romney’s been plugging this goddamn contest on social media for months now, and after repeatedly insisting that everyone who entered had an equal chance to throat Utah’s tallest freestanding tube steak, he just goes and gives it to his wife. We can’t really fault Ann here because who wouldn’t want to tear off that guy’s temple garments like he’s some kind of horse-cocked Christmas present, but the thing is, she already does! She presumably gets to huff the musky tang of his fuck sweat on the regular! She knows all about what it’s like to make Mitt Romney whisper “Golly!” as he eases himself in; to feel the rhythm of his frantic heartbeat pulsing through the base of his shaft, fuzzy chest heaving as he gulps for air like a fish on land; to hear him giggle uncontrollably when his eyes finally roll into the back of his head and two tablespoons of liquid Mitt erupt out of him with the force of a pressure washer. This contest should have let someone else experience the joy of Romney’s libidinal gifts, but nope! All along, it was just a fraudulent bait-and-switch.
Spare us the “Better luck next time” crap—if it’s not an apology or Mitt squealing above us in ecstasy, we don’t want to hear it!
Listen, truth be told, we realize that us getting to fuck Mitt Romney was always a statistical long shot. Dude is one of the most lusted-after conservative lawmakers of the past century, so we knew the math wasn’t in our favor. But what this contest really promised wasn’t the sex itself: it was the fantasy that a homely nobody like us could ever bang a caked up Utah senator like him. Simply knowing that a real fan somewhere out there had gotten to live the dream and do some steamy Pierre Delecto roleplay would have felt like a victory for everyone who’s desperately yearned for Romney’s piston hips to put them in a wheelchair, because even if it wasn’t us that won, we could tell ourselves it might have been. But Ann Romney winning totally shatters that illusion, and now we’re left with nothing but the difficult-to-orgasm-to reality that Mitt’s immaculate dick game was never within our reach.
Well, it looks like Mitt Romney managed to fuck us in the one way we didn’t want. Here’s hoping he cleans up his act for next year’s contest and fucks a fan who was selected through an actual legitimate process!
