If you’re a straight man or woman who’s been feeling like you’re never going to meet “The One,” it’s time to breathe a sigh of relief, because a new online dating platform has got you covered: This new dating app matches men who recently spent $400 on Red Hot Chili Peppers tickets with women who are in the process of freezing their eggs!
Finally! Say goodbye to single life!
Listen up, men who recently spent half their paycheck on tickets to see a rock band that peaked in popularity 20 years ago and women who’ve lost the hope that they’ll meet someone while they’re still fertile, because this new dating service is seriously going to improve your love life. Named “CantStop” as a reference to both the Red Hot Chili Peppers song and the fact that women on the app “can’t stop” dating now if they ever expect to start a family, the app uses a precise algorithm that takes into account factors such as your favorite RHCP song if you’re a guy, and how many thousands of dollars you’ve already sunk into the egg freezing process if you’re a girl. It’s guaranteed to kick off a lifelong partnership between two people in their early 30’s, both of whom figure they won’t have kids for another 15 to 20 years, but for completely different reasons!
It’s seriously like these two groups of people were made for each other! The men just want to talk about the fascinating story behind the RCHP logo, and the women are at a point where they’re fine with listening to that all dinner long because it at least means they have dinner plans!
To join, men need to upload a photo of their most recent RHCP ticket—but if the ticket got soaked in Bud Light and is now illegible, don’t panic, because the app’s creators confirm that a photo of yourself wearing the multiple shirts and bandanas you bought at the show will do. For the women, no proof that you’ve frozen your eggs is necessary, as it’s all but guaranteed that no woman would join the app if she weren’t completely out of other options.
The app then will ask each user to fill out a questionnaire so that it’s able to most effectively pair users based on compatibility. This will include questions for men like, “John Frusciante: awesome guitarist or awesomest guitarist?” and questions for women like, “Will you be able to look past the fact that your partner is going to put on ‘Dani California’ during sex as long as he responds to your texts in a timely fashion?”
So romantic!
Don’t waste your time waiting for love to fall into your lap. If you’re a man who’s go-to fun fact is that some of Flea’s spit fell on you while you were in the pit, or if you’re a 31-year-old woman who has come to terms with the fact you won’t be conceiving naturally, then pull out your phone and download this app today!
