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I’ve always been the curious type. For a long time, I wondered what would happen to someone if they ate only one food for an extended period of time. So, 12 months ago, I decided to eat nothing but Clif Bars for an entire year. And today, 365 days after I first began my quest, I’m ready to share my results with the world: Despite the fact that I ate nothing but Clif Bars for a whole year, their CEO still won’t make me his son.
It all began last February, when I emptied out my pantry to make room for the hundreds of boxes of Clif Bars I would be eating over the next year. I laid out a plan: Every day, I would have three bars for breakfast, two for lunch, and two for dinner. At first, it was easy. But after a few weeks, I still hadn’t heard from their CEO, Kevin Cleary. I figured he was a busy man and would get around to it eventually. But when a month came and went, Mr. Cleary still hadn’t claimed me as a legal dependent.
I knew I’d get tired of eating Clif Bars every day, and I knew I’d experience discomfort. But I also thought that within two or three months I’d be made the CEO’s son, and that’s surprisingly still not the case. I’ve tried reaching out myself to start the adoption process, but whenever I call the Clif Bar offices, the secretary refuses to forward my call—even after I introduce myself as James, the CEO’s soon-to-be son.
…I’ve eaten 49 chocolate almond fudge bars in the last week alone. Though the knowledge that their CEO could adopt me as his son any day now is reason enough to keep going.
The past year hasn’t been easy on me. Every day, I feel exhausted. I’ve gained 50 pounds, and my doctor is strongly urging me to give this all up. Plus, I’m still not a member of the Cleary family, despite emailing the company last night to let them know that I’ve eaten 49 chocolate almond fudge bars in the last week alone. Though the knowledge that the Clif Bar CEO could adopt me as his son any day now is reason enough to keep going.
Some people think I’m crazy. I always get weird looks at restaurants from friends or women I’m on a date with when I forgo ordering from the menu in favor of eating the Clif Bars in my back pocket. But someday, I’ll be able to brag to them all about how I was invited to the annual Cleary family BBQ. And when that day comes, they’ll probably be eating seven Clif Bars a day themselves.
It’s with all this considered that I’ve decided to continue eating nothing but Clif Bars indefinitely. I’ve come this far, and I won’t stop until the CEO of Clif Bar & Company acknowledges me as his son. A lot of people would give up after eating 2,555 Clif Bars without immediate results, but me? I’m looking forward to the next 2,555 bars, knowing that it’s only a matter of time until their CEO becomes my dad.
