Is Your Dying Prayer Good Enough To Get You Into Heaven?
We are really sorry about this, but you are about to die. You have a few minutes to put your thoughts together and give one last dying prayer in an effort to ensure yourself a spot in Heaven. You definitely don’t want to screw this up. Good luck!
Doing some shit with your hands seems to be a pretty important part of praying. What are you doing with your hands during your dying prayer?
1. Putting them together under my chin, you know, like a normal Christian prayer.
2. Everything possible, from clasping them together to doing those “OK” signs with my fingers to just waving up at the sky towards God. Covering all my bases here.
3. I’m going to do the devil horns thing with both hands and maybe headbang a little.
4. Yeesh, am I really dying? I really should go tell my kids I love them and not waste any time on this prayer. If God doesn’t want me in Heaven then I guess that’s on him.
In the first line of the prayer, you should establish who you are praying to. What is the first line of your prayer?
1. Dear Jesus Christ in Heaven, Savior of Protestants and Protestants alone, please hear my dying prayer.
2. Dear Jesu-hov-All-Budd-Yaweh, my Almighty Lord whom I call many names for Thou art so great I cannot choose but one, here is a prayer for You.
3. Dear Lord Satan, hear my last disgusting hissing belch of hatred and blasphemy.
4. Look, I don’t really know God’s name or which religion’s god is the “right” one, and I don’t think anyone else really does, either. Surely a higher power with the knowledge and capability to create the universe wouldn’t be hung up on what we call them or what specific form of worship we choose.
Now that you’ve established who you are praying to, it’s probably a good idea to thank them for the life they gave you.
1. I thank You, Lord Christ, for the wonderful suburban life You have given me, my two blonde children Haylee and Braedyn, and my several boats.
2. Thank you so much, my…guy? Or gal? Fuck.
3. Thank you, almighty Satan, for the wretched gift of death you are about to bestow on me.
4. I certainly appreciate the gift of life. What a strange and remarkable coincidence that this particular collection of atoms came together at this exact time and place to form me, and to allow me to experience the world as a conscious being. It’s remarkable, really, and if I owe my existence to some creator up in the sky, then I truly am thankful for that. But what I’m most thankful for is all my friends and loved ones who made life so wonderful.
It probably wouldn’t hurt to remind the higher power you’re praying to of all of the things you’ve done to honor them in your life—y’know, to make a stronger case for yourself.
1. Dear God, as the sun sets on this life of charity and devotion that I have led, I pray that You will take note of my steadfast obedience to Your many commandments and recognize my unending faithfulness.
2. I know I didn’t go to church or temple or mosque very often (I use all those terms interchangeably lol but you know what I mean) but that’s because in my opinion—and I think you’d agree—that sometimes the best church is the one in your heart?
3. I vomit on the cross and masturbate on the Bible daily.
4. I’ve lived the best life I could, but not so some higher power would give me an eternal life of pleasure. I did it to make this world, the one we actually know is real and true, the best that I could.
It’s usually good to include something about the sins you’ve committed, because God knows about all that stuff so you may as well be honest about it.
1. O, Father God, forgive me for my transgressions, just as You promised You would in the New Testament, for though I personally did not commit the original sin, I am nonetheless tainted by it. Also, I should note that I’ve been baptized multiple times and have a “Footprints” poster on my bedroom wall.
2. I don’t know if you saw, like, everything I did or if you just checked in periodically, so I’m going to be totally honest and admit that a lot of times it may have looked like I was gambling and having sex with prostitutes, but I was actually just learning about the wicked ways of the world so I’d know what to avoid. By banging hookers, I was learning how to better honor you.
3. I have defiled the holy kingdom of Christ in many ways: Throwing feces at nuns, burning down churches, desecrating Christian graves, etc. I now ask thee, Beelzebub, to defile my damned corpse for all eternity while I writhe in blissful torment.
4. I certainly wasn’t perfect, but what human is? Most bad actors have a reason to be so, be it their upbringing, traumas they have endured, addiction, struggles with mental health—the list of bad human behaviors is predicated by a list of possible causes that’s just as long. Should we really compare the behavior of someone born into a wealthy, stable family with someone born to an addict in poverty? Can we judge an individual’s behaviors without first understanding where they stem from?
Sorry to rush this, but death is near. It’s time to wrap up your prayer.
1. God my father, who is also Jesus’ father, who is also Jesus Himself, may You remember the countless times I voted for the most evangelical candidate running to ensure the United States remains a great Christian nation ruled by the word of God and also the many times I praised You with my guitar playing in my Christian pop band, 4 His Name.
2. Oh God please don’t make me burn in Hell. Fuck fuck fuck I am so sorry I fucked up. Whether you’re God or Jesus or Buddha or that Indian lady with all the arms just please please don’t make me burn in Hell. I don’t even have to go to Heaven! Limbo would be fine. Just a black and white TV and some Stouffer’s frozen lasagnas is all I need in the afterlife. Give me another chance! Let me live my life again and I’ll go to church this time, I swear!
3. I regret nothing. Hail Satan.
4. I’ve said my piece. Now, I’d really like to use the rest of my time to get my affairs in order, express my last wishes to my family, and watch one last sunset.
