Every day, the sound of hooting and belly-slapping outside is getting louder and closer, and more ape-sized holes are appearing in the soil around town. That can only mean one thing: Orangutan season is right around the corner! Orangutan season only comes once every 14 years, and this year’s is expected to be the busiest one in centuries, so if you want to make the most of it, the time to start preparing is right now. Here are 8 pro-tips for how you can get ready.
1. Odds are, you’re not as in-shape as you were at the end of last orangutan season, so get your body ready: Orangutan season can be incredibly demanding on your body. All that chasing, burrowing, clawing, smashing, and lassoing takes a toll, especially at season’s start. There’s nothing worse than feeling worn out just as you find yourself face-to-face with a dozen orangutans barreling towards you on all fours, knowing you still have several months of this ahead of you. Start training now with workouts that target parts of the body you’ll rely on most during the season, like your calves, fingers, tongue, and pelvic floor. Trust us, you’ll thank yourself later when your endurance outlasts the orangutans’!
2. Reserve tickets to the Orangutan Shaming Procession far ahead of time—like, yesterday: The crowds get bigger and the tickets go faster every season. If you haven’t reserved your spots at the Orangutan Shaming Procession yet, drop what you’re doing and get them literally right now. Otherwise, you’ll be stuck watching the orangutans get shaved and publicly disgraced from a frustrating distance, where you’ll have little chance of being able to hit an orangutan with club, or taunt one into committing suicide. And no one wants that!
3. Familiarize yourself with the layout of the Panera Bread that the orangutans will requisition to use as their sex grounds: Hey, it never hurts to be prepared! Most people will post up in a tree nearby just to observe thousands of orangutans having sex and accidentally burning themselves with soup inside the Panera Bread they use as a breeding headquarters—BUT, there’s always a chance you could be one of the 15 people who get dragged inside their sex grounds on average every year. If so, you’ll be glad you learned the building’s exit routes ahead of time.
4. Hide your car keys somewhere no orangutan can access them: Do NOT be the moron whose car gets stolen and weaponized by the orangutans. Lock your car keys away in a safe, bury them at least 15 feet underground, or destroy them altogether.
5. Make sure your children are completely hairless so as not to be mistaken for orangutans: Everyone knows what happened to little Bobby Weber during the ‘09 orangutan season. That hairy, ape-looking child’s parents neglected to shave him, and now, he serves a cautionary tale that looms over every orangutan season. Shave. Your. Children. Smooth. Okay?
6. Drink plenty of water: With all the excitement that orangutan season brings, it’s easy to forget to drink enough water! Remember to stay hydrated.
7. Buy a large enough supply of daily alms for the orangutans to last the whole season! No one knows how long any given orangutan season will last. Sometimes it lasts a single afternoon, sometimes it goes for years. No matter how long it lasts, you can guarantee that the orangutans will drop by your house every dawn expecting charity. Do yourself a favor and stock up on a four-year supply of the orangutans’ favorite alms (marshmallows, taquitos, and OxyContin) for peace of mind, if anything.
8. Plan an emergency meeting location where you and your loved ones can meet-up in case the orangutans become angry (and yes, bury supply kits there!): It’s not fun to think about orangutan season going south, but the orangutans have gotten the upper hand before, and they could again. Talk to your family and friends about a safe place to meet up should the orangutans revolt. Pick a spot far outside the city limits, and bury a supply kit there with plenty of rations, ear plugs, night vision goggles, and especially an ape-gun with plenty of ammo. Emergency preparedness could mean the difference between living to see another orangutan season, or watching those apes make fuck-puppets out of everyone you love. However, if you keep your wits about you this season, you’ll have no need to worry. May you have the best orangutan season yet!!!
