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Just A Heads Up: The CDC Says That Now Would Be A Good Time For Americans To Start Thinking Of An Excuse For All Their Shortcomings Other Than Pandemic-Related Depression

With more Americans becoming vaccinated against COVID-19 and society beginning its return to a pre-pandemic state, the federal government just issued an important health advisory that everyone should pay attention to: The CDC says that now would be a good time for Americans to start thinking of an excuse for all their shortcomings other than pandemic-related depression.

Damn. It was nice while it lasted, but looks like we’re all gonna need a new go-to reason for not being able to get our shit together. 

In updated COVID-19 guidelines released earlier today, the CDC urged Americans to take the necessary steps to find a new way to excuse their countless, ridiculous incompetencies, as pandemic-related depression will no longer suffice as a catch-all justification for doing a bad job at things. 

“As the spread of COVID-19 slows and stay-at-home restrictions let up, citizens need to be especially aware that blaming the mental strain of living through the pandemic for their failure to exercise or get housework done will no long be effective,” read the new CDC guidelines. The agency’s update went on to explain that by their estimation, tens of millions of Americans have spent the past year citing “brain fog” due to the “collective trauma of lockdown” as a reason why they can’t manage to do their dishes or call their friends back, and that those people should take precautions to ensure that once the pandemic is over, they are not left without a thin, borderline nonsensical excuse for their pathetic inability to function. 

“We strongly advise that Americans begin brainstorming other lame rationalizations for their inability to be their best selves, such as being generally overwhelmed by the chaos of the technological age, or perhaps chronic fatigue caused by toxins in our food,” the CDC continued. “We expect that as infection rates fall over the next several months, it will be nearly impossible for U.S. citizens to trot out vague lines about virus-related trauma to get out of doing chores or meeting up with friends. Further, the CDC will no longer be issuing alarming statements and statistics about COVID-19 that people can use to convince themselves that their lackluster performance in life is a result of ‘listening to scientists.’”

The CDC also noted that, in addition to pandemic-related depression, neither seasonal depression nor stress due to living under the Trump administration will work as believable excuses for exhaustion and general laziness come summer. “In order to protect yourself and your family from judgment over the fact that your only hobby is online shopping and you can’t seem to get out of bed before 9:30 in the morning, take time to sit down and think about a new way to explain your lifestyle that has nothing to do with external factors literally everyone is dealing with, like the lockdown or the weather or the president,” the release said. “Americans who have spent most of the past year in a funk should be taking these precautions now if they plan to continue shirking their work responsibilities and half-assing things in their everyday lives.”

Wow, good to know!

Kudos to the CDC for giving everyone a heads up on this important issue. If you’re hoping to keep acting like a lazy fuck even after the pandemic ends, it’d be in your best interest to take their guidance and start working on your new excuses now!