So you’ve been trying to take a break from the internet recently…that’s great, but wouldn’t a nice little bump of viral bullshit feel like pure bliss right now? It would really take the edge off, wouldn’t it? Go on, just take a peek at this one picture of the Twitter logo. One look won’t hurt.
Oh, don’t act coy. You knew damn well what was in this article when you clicked through. Here, we’ll even do it up real pretty in a listicle format. We know how you like that.
1. The Twitter Logo
Oh yeah. Oh God yeah. Even a tiny morsel of internet like this packs a real punch when you’ve been consuming nothing but books, magazines, and face-to-face conversations with friends for days on end. Say what you will about the real world, but it just can’t give you the rush you’re feeling right now.
Be honest with us: all that little taste did was whet your appetite, didn’t it? Now you need another hit of primo content even worse than before. Well, we’ve got a sweet, sweet Harry Potter fan theory right here with your name on it. Go on, it’ll help clear your head.
2. Crookshanks was an unregistered Animagus who permanently transformed to escape the Death Eaters.
Mmm, FUCK. Fuck. Your brain’s pleasure centers are lighting up like a goddamn Christmas tree right now. Consuming this kind of groundless, unfalsifiable pop culture speculation definitely beats going outside any day of the week, huh?
So, full disclosure, whatever dopamine receptors you were trying to rehabilitate with a little time offline just fried themselves into oblivion thanks to this. It’s like your whole detox never even happened! And now that you’ve thrown all that progress down the drain, there’s no reason not to make your full-on digital relapse official with this one Crazy Movie Goof You Never Noticed.
3. The good shit, baby. The deluxe shit, because we’re celebrating you coming back around.
Jesus Christ, look at you. Face flushed, pupils dilated, sweating like a hog. Your little digital detox never stood a chance. Hell, you’d probably go wild for pretty much any content now. You can’t even resist this low-resolution photo of Billy Ray Cyrus, can you?
4. Seriously? Even our dog wouldn’t touch content like this.
Guess that’s RIP to your new screen-free lifestyle, but admit it, rock bottom feels pretty good, doesn’t it? Offline just wasn’t scratching that itch of yours, not like this shit does. And we’ve got plenty more content just like it, all ripe for the clicking. So don’t you worry about a thing, bud. ClickHole’s gonna take real good care of you.