Over the past few weeks, members of the Senate and the American public have expressed concern over Senator Mitch McConnell’s health and ability to govern after the senator experienced multiple episodes during which he froze in public and stopped speaking mid-sentence. Fortunately, it turns out all of the speculation about Senator McConnell’s health was just a false alarm: Mitch McConnell has revealed that whenever he freezes up his mind is journeying to the astral plane where Thomas Jefferson teaches him how to be a better senator.
What a relief! Turns out there’s no need to worry about Mitch McConnell’s health in any way!
“Whenever you see me freezing up in the middle of a speech, that’s just my consciousness traveling to Thomas Jefferson’s Government School, where the spirit of our great Founding Father Thomas Jefferson teaches me how to be the best senator I can possibly be,” McConnell said in a press conference delivered on Capitol Hill earlier this morning. “Any time I appear to zone out and lose the ability to speak for several seconds, I am actually experiencing 10,000 years worth of time in the astral plane, during which I am learning vital governance lessons about things like the Bill of Rights and how to tie a tie.”
Well, it’s official: Everyone who was questioning whether Mitch McConnell was fit to serve owes the senator an apology!
According to Senator McConnell, Thomas Jefferon’s Government School exists in a small brick schoolhouse built in an endless forest of trees made of crystal. It is located in a realm that the fae folk who inhabit those woods call “The Kingdom Of Education And Pain.” McConnell stated in the press conference that every time his mind is transported there, Thomas Jefferson takes his hand and they recite the Declaration of Independence together. They then spend the rest of McConnell’s time in that dimension going over important senatorial lessons like how to veto a bill and how to eat your lunch on the Senate Floor quietly enough that nobody yells at you.
As if that weren’t amazing enough, McConnell says that Thomas Jefferson isn’t the only great American whose spirit he sees when his mind is transported to the Kingdom Of Education And Pain. “At Thomas Jefferson’s Government School, Benjamin Franklin is the custodian, and he chases me through the hallways with his mop yelling out the names of all the vice presidents in chronological order,” McConnell said during his press conference. “If he catches me, he bites me. Also, John Hancock is the swim teacher there and he has helped me learn to dive.”
This is great news! It sounds like Senator McConnell is in perfect health and more fit to serve in the Senate than ever! It’s wonderful to know that every time it looks like he’s having some sort of serious brain episode, he’s actually sending his mind through the farthest reaches of time and space in order to take senator lessons from the specter of Thomas Jefferson. If he keeps traveling to a higher dimension to attend Thomas Jeferson’s Government School, then he just might become the greatest senator of all time!