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Oh What The Hell, A Couple False Idols Can’t Hurt! Let’s Worship Some!

You know what? What the Hell, we’ve been good, right? We deserve to cut loose a bit and indulge ourselves, don’t you think? So let’s do it, everyone! Come on! Let’s worship some false idols!

1. Demeter

Let’s all bow before Demeter, the false goddess of the harvest! After a lifetime of piety and righteousness, sometimes what you really need is to chill out and sacrifice a piglet to Demeter so that she’ll bless us with a bounty of grain!

2. Baal

The coast is clear…nobody’s going to get us in trouble…let’s just whisper a quick praise song to Baal. We’ll just be bad for one minute and give Baal some anointed oil so that he will come in the night and fill our closets with jewels. Go on, lift your voice in devotion Baal! We won’t tell if you don’t!

3. Thor

It’s not idolatry if the people in charge don’t find out about it. We almost never get to pray to any thunder gods any more, so let’s get in a quick prayer to Thor while everyone’s back is turned. It’s awesome to pray to Thor. He carries a huge hammer, and we can bow before his graven image and say, “Thor, your hammer is interesting.” We’ll totally get away with it!

4. Pan

We spend so much time praying to all the true gods. It makes you forget how much fun it can be to worship deities like Pan. Come on, seriously, it’ll be fine. Just do a quick and jubilant dance in the forest with Pan and his coterie of nymphs so that he’ll give us the gift of eternal life. Worshiping Pan is going to be great and nobody’s going to find out. It’s just this once!

5. Hecate

Okay, quick, let’s worship one last false idol while we still have the time. Let’s sneak down to the nearest crossroads and make a dark offering to Hecate. It’s really not a big deal—it’s not like we’re becoming disciples of Hecate or anything. We’re not going to make sacrifices to her every night so that she’ll draw down the moon and give us spectacular powers. That would be way out of line. But just a quick chant or tiny little bow to Hecate isn’t going to hurt anybody. Quick, let’s do it. It’ll be great!