Get excited if you have bug issues, because a leading brand is about to make the process of pest control a ton more exhilarating: Raid just unveiled a tiny hammer for exterminating ants individually.
This is gonna make sending those little fuckers to hell more satisfying than ever!
In a launch announcement posted to their website this morning, insecticide giant Raid revealed a tiny little hammer meticulously engineered to maximize the inherent thrill of snuffing out helpless, cowering insect life. With the slogan “Relish every kill,” the miniscule hammer sports a head just barely large enough to dispatch a single ant at a time, offering customers a vastly more intimate experience of dispensing their pitiless slaughter than could ever be achieved with efficient yet impersonal methods like sprays or liquid bait traps. Even better, the precision of the hammer gives users the option to non-lethally maul an ant before they go in for the kill, allowing them to savor the ant’s futile efforts to drag its broken body to safety while the intoxicating whiff of alarm pheromones fills the air if they deem a quick death too good for a particular ant.
It’s hard to convey just how many thrilling possibilities Raid’s new hammer opens up for consigning ants to oblivion: You can randomly smash ants walking in a trail one-by-one, leaving survivors to clamber over the mangled corpses of their brethren while knowing they could meet the same horrifying fate at any moment. You can gently press the hammer onto an ant instead of smashing it outright, feeling its fragile exoskeleton slowly buckle and give way as you apply more and more pressure before it finally bursts in a cathartic, rapturous gush of viscera and hemolymph. And if you’re lucky enough to find an ant transporting one of the colony’s larvae, well, what greater rush could there be than forcing an ant to watch as the very future of its worthless little enterprise is dashed into lifeless paste before its very compound eyes?
Christ, just imagining it is the most alive we’ve felt in years! Thank you, Raid!
While there’s certainly still a place for the full-body high of poisoning ants en masse with boric acid or ripping the water from their bodies vampire-like with diatomaceous earth, we’re psyched that Raid is finally letting us take a hands-on approach to meting out our remorseless punishment to the wretched, contemptible ant. All the ants we’ve already taken out over the years had no way of knowing this, but by dying before the release of this nifty little hammer, they in many ways must be considered the lucky ones.
Kudos to Raid for not wanting us to waste an ounce of ants’ potential suffering. We can’t wait to watch each individual ant’s lights go out in an unceasing procession of formic death once this hammer hits the shelves of our local hardware store!
