They say that the sexiest quality of all is confidence, and here’s a story that proves this is true no matter what species you are: this box turtle is strutting his stuff across the playground at .05 mph and all the kids are going wild.
Dayumm! If you’ve got it, flaunt it—and this turtle’s got it!
Just a little bit ago, a three-year-old North American box turtle clambered over the wooden perimeter of a playground in Chapel Hill, North Carolina, and now he is waddling sexily across the grass at a glacial pace, causing excited kids all over the playground to swoon and scream. This magnetic and self-possessed turtle has the children going absolutely apeshit, eliciting happy squeals from every kid within a 30-foot radius as he waggles his tight turtle bottom back and forth like an ectothermic Mick Jagger. Over the past eight minutes or so, he’s scooted a good 10 feet across the play area, coolly flaunting the brown leathery spots on his retractable neck while the kids clamor around him and lay small bits of trash in his path to see if he will eat them.
Yes! Go turtle! Go turtle!
The atmosphere at the playground right now is like a Beatles concert in the 60s: kids are losing their minds, screaming “Turtle!” while they push one another aside for a better view, and even their parents are taking cellphone videos of the hot little piece of reptile ass hobbling past the giant plastic tic-tac-toe game. Even when the turtle momentarily got stuck trying to traverse a small dirt clod, requiring an older kid to pick him up and help him over the obstacle, he maintained his effortless swagger, never panicking or hissing or defecating out of fear, not even for a moment. This turtle is a star, and nothing can stop him from shining.
Get it, little green buddy! You’re a fucking pimp, and we can’t get enough of you!
You love to see a confident turtle who knows he’s sexy and isn’t afraid to show it. He belongs on the runway! Keep doing your thing, turtle! We love you, and we hope you never die.