As AI technology continues to advance explosively with little foresight or regulation, it’s easy to imagine an apocalyptic tipping point where AI attempts to wipe out humanity. And if new research is to be believed, this sort of doomsday scenario is now a very real risk: Scientists have announced that by 2045 toasters will be able to shoot the toast out at you.
Dear God. Hold onto your butter knives, folks, because the future of breakfast just got much more dangerous.
The alarming revelation follows a grim new study from AI researchers at Princeton University, who, using cutting-edge predictive models and highly accurate simulations to forecast technological progression, have determined that toasters will likely be able to launch toast directly into the faces of unsuspecting users within the next few decades. As appliance manufacturers continue incorporating smart technologies into products, researchers warn that toasters will become exponentially more capable and autonomous, ultimately putting humans at grave risk of getting doinked in the head by very warm toast, potentially leading to minor abrasions or—even worse—crumbs all over the place.
While some may dismiss the idea as science fiction, researchers say there’s a nearly 80 percent probability of AI-driven toaster attacks by the middle of the century, and they’re urging toaster manufacturers and government agencies to immediately coordinate on developing safeguards to thwart a future where people are regularly being blasted in the eye by piping-hot slices of Brownberry Oatnut. Some potential solutions are already being explored, such as toast-deflecting kevlar helmets, integrated nets that deploy at lighting speed to intercept launched toast, and even specialized safety bread with large baked-in air pockets that produce a parachute effect, halting the trajectory of airborne bread so that it gently floats back down to one’s plate. However, such solutions would need to be implemented in an estimated 123 million households in the U.S. alone to truly mitigate the risk of toasters blasting crispy bread shuriken-like at humans, which would require a massive and costly national effort of unprecedented scale.
Absolutely horrifying.
Is this it? Has humanity created the tools that will eventually be responsible for our own doom? In light of this news, it really appears as if we’ve taken the first steps down the path to our extinction. Here’s hoping a solution can be found before it’s too late. And in the meantime, it might be wise to keep an eye on your toaster and approach the breakfast table with caution. The future of toast, it seems, is not as innocuous as we once thought.
