I’m at my friend Maya’s baby shower and I’ve got to say, this party is an absolute ecological disaster. The shower is at our friend Lael’s house and the place is absolutely swarmed with invasive species that are decimating the local ecosystem. Here are five invasive species that are taking over this baby shower.
1. Sea Lamprey (Petromyzon marinus)
One thing I noticed as soon as I walked into Lael’s house was that the place is absolutely full of sea lamprey. Sea lamprey are huge, gross parasitic worms that are native to some lakes in the northeastern United States. Lael’s place is in Pasadena, California, but for some reason there were sea lamprey writhing on the floor and swimming around solo in individual glasses of water and Prosecco scattered throughout the house. Trying to ignore them, I handed Maya my baby shower gift, which was a football autographed by horror writer Stephen King. Maya said, “What is my baby supposed to do with this?” and I said, “Look at it and think about football and monsters.”
2. Cypress Aphid (Cinara cupressi)
Apparently a giant population of cypress aphids made its way from some nearby trees directly into Maya’s baby shower. These things are absolutely everywhere. They’re flying around and getting in people’s eyeballs. We were playing that baby shower game where you open your mouth as wide as you can and whoever has the biggest mouth size has to give the baby its first haircut, and the whole time all these bugs kept flying in there. We couldn’t measure anyone’s mouths and so now the baby’s just going to never get its first haircut from anyone. Maya said, “You have all failed me and my future calf,” and Lael said, “It’s not our fault. We can’t play the game because of the aphids,” and Maya said, “That’s your explanation for everything, Lael. It’s always the aphids with you.”
3. Prussian Carp (Carassius gibelio)
It’s pretty much impossible to take a single step in this house without smushing a Prussian carp that’s flopping around on the floor. There are also several dozen swimming in Lael’s toilet. Maya keeps asking Lael to “sweep up the fish” and Lael keeps saying, “That is not my job. My job is to feel amazing every day.” At one point Maya said, “These fish are going to foul up my future calf,” so Lael groaned and said, “Fine I’ll take care of the fish,” and left her house carrying a big net.
4. Siberian Weasel (Mustela sibirica)
A few minutes later, Lael came back into the house with her big net filled with Siberian weasels. She said to Maya, “These losers will eat the fish you hate so much, your majesty” and she let the Siberian weasels loose in the house. Now the house is filled with Siberian weasels and it doesn’t really seem like they’re doing a great job controlling the Prussian carp population. I guess they’re eating some of them, but they’re mostly eating all the baby-themed snacks we put out for Maya, including her cake. They’re also eating some of the species native to Lael’s house, like the cobras and the foxes. Now Maya is complaining that there aren’t enough cobras at her baby shower, and the Siberian weasel population has basically tripled in the past hour. The whole thing is becoming a big mess.
5. Hippopotamus (Hippopotamus amphibius)
On top of all the other tribulations, there is a gigantic hippopotamus walking around Maya’s baby shower biting people and smelling bad and causing difficulties for everyone. Maya keeps muttering, “My future calf better be twice that big,” and when Lael tried to chase the hippo out of the house with a broom Maya told her to let it stay because “I can feel the hippo’s breath turning my future calf into a genius.” So the hippo isn’t supposed to be here, but we’re letting it stay, and it’s stomping around smushing all the carp and sea lampreys, and the weasels are dying and the aphids are eating the weasels and basically Maya’s baby shower is a huge headache for everyone involved. But as long as Maya’s having a good time, that’s all that matters.
