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The Trump Boys Are Scrambling To Clean Up Beer-Soaked Legislation After Accidentally Socializing Healthcare During A Rager They Threw While Their Dad Was Gone

Well, it looks like Eric and Donald Trump Jr. are really in over their heads. In the aftermath of an all-out rager they threw while their parents were out of town, the two woke up to find that they’d accidentally socialized healthcare in America while completely blacked out and are now scrambling to fix the blunder before their old man gets home and finds out.

Yikes. After rolling the dice on what seems to have been a party for the ages, it looks like the Trump brothers are looking at the worst-case scenario.

Eric and Don Jr. were already panicked after waking up later than planned to a trashed White House littered with beer cans, vomit stains, and passed out congresspeople on the morning that their parents were due back from their weekend away, but it wasn’t until they started the cleanup that things really took a turn for the worse. While groggily scooping red Solo cups into trash bags, the brothers stumbled upon legislation ensuring universal healthcare to every American, which they’d somehow already passed through Congress and signed into law, and realized that they had to act pronto if they were going to fix this mess and avoid getting grounded into infinity by their dad, a vocal opponent of single-payer healthcare.

With no time to waste, the rattled boys split up to cover as much ground as possible. While Eric pored over the paperwork with a constitutional law book in hand, unsuccessfully looking for loopholes in the legislation, Don Jr. shook a passed out Mitch McConnell to beg for help, who after a few taps in the face, shot up, made a beeline for the nearest bathroom, and loudly started yacking, leaving the worried duo exactly where they started.

Then, in an effort to cancel out the mistake with a new law, Eric drafted up a counter-bill that re-privatized healthcare and began looking for votes to finalize it, but hit a road bump when the few conscious senators he found were too invested in the Toaster Strudels Nancy Pelosi was whipping up in the kitchen to even acknowledge his pleas. Meanwhile, Don Jr. was able to recruit the help of Paul Ryan, who after hearing of the dilemma, was ready to leave his setup in the West Wing library picking at an oven tray of cold pizza rolls until he caught his reflection in the mirror and saw that someone had drawn penises all over his face after he passed out. The speaker of the house was then solely focused on getting the permanent marker off his skin, since later today the Ryan family is getting a family photo done at Macy’s and his ass will be grass if he can’t get the dicks erased in time.

Yeesh. Donald Trump is not going to want to hear about his sons making access to free healthcare a basic human right for American citizens regardless of income, and the boys are running out of time to fix it. With no options left, the brothers’ latest move looks to be the one option they swore they wouldn’t resort to: seeking out the help of their sister Ivanka.

After heading to her office and explaining the dire situation, Ivanka Trump reportedly didn’t waste the opportunity to bask in their desperation and give them her classic spiel on responsibility. Ultimately, though, she agreed to help get them out of a jam just this once, but insisted that it’s only because she doesn’t want to get an earful from their dad about how she should’ve been keeping a better eye on things or maybe even lose car privileges.

Although the law of the land is still single-payer healthcare for every American, and President Trump is due home any minute, it seems like Eric and Don Jr. are finally on the right path after getting the help of their collected sister. It’ll be interesting to see if they can pull off a miracle at the 25th hour and cancel healthcare for tens of millions of Americans before their dad gets home and really lets them have it.