Happy holidays, everybody. With the midterm elections behind us and as we prepare to turn the page to another year, we think it would be a good time to weigh in on a controversial topic that we hold a strong opinion on. There’s been some spirited discussion recently in our great nation surrounding wide age gaps between couples, often involving celebrities, and we want our stance on this important topic to be crystal clear: There is nothing wrong with dating people who are significantly younger than you, and actually, we wish the age difference between us was wayyyyyy bigger!
We’re talking like 40 years or more. That would be so hot. And of course, Michelle would be the younger one. It’s always better that way. Now, now, before you get your pitchforks out and start claiming that we are endorsing something immoral or harmful, let us be clear that we probably are and that we do NOT care. We are the former first family, and what we say is basically the law. And if we say it’s hot for there to be 20-, 30-, 40-, or even 50-year age gaps between lovers, then it’s hot.
Of course, there are exceptions: If one or both of the people are not hot, if the younger one is really drunk/stupid, or if they’re both over 40 (ew). But assuming they’re hot, they should go to town! When wrinkled, white-haired skin meets supple, nubile breasts, sexuality wins!
One thing that helps a marriage work long term is to admit your faults. We often discuss the fact that our biggest weakness as a couple is our closeness in age. We feel that we would be much more aligned spiritually, emotionally, and sexually if Michelle was around 19 and Barack was around 75. We feel those are the peaks in a man and a woman’s life (woman’s because that’s when she’s the prettiest and a man’s because that’s when he’s the richest). Combining the two creates a dynamic that may not be the healthiest, but it sure is the funnest.
When people comment that someone like Billie Eilish is too young to be dating a 31-year-old, one has to wonder what kind of joylessly similar-aged relationships they must be in. Do they not want Billie to have an experienced, cocksure lover who is old enough to be her uncle? Ah, if only we could be 31 and 20 again (and of course still involved romantically). If anything, the only issue we have with Billie Eilish dating the 31-year-old singer from The Neighbourhood is that there isn’t nearly enough of an age gap—ideally the guy would be nearing retirement age!
If we are going to progress as a country, we feel it is vital to not only throw these outdated, unhot standards into the trash, but to also create new standards that encourage age-gapped dating. Just look at how they do things over in Europe. It’s like every man over there is in his 70s and every woman is 22. While we know our old friend Joe Biden is busy with the war in Ukraine and inflation, we’d like to see him step up his efforts in promoting cradle robbing. But this isn’t just a job for the government. It’s going to take all of us working together. It was our privilege to serve you as President and First Lady, and while we apologize for being practically the same age, just know that in our hearts we are many decades apart. Happy holidays to you and your family, and may you be blessed in the new year!
