Alright, here’s the deal. This massive 6’5” guy wearing a black trench coat just came barreling toward us right outside our office and said he made a list for us called “5 Absolutely Adorable Kittens To Get You Through This Week.” Now, if we wrote this list, we definitely would have found some cuter kittens, because they really are not that adorable, but the guy had this huge walking stick that he kept slamming on the ground, and we were so terrified that we immediately agreed to his demands, so please keep that in mind as you read this list.
1. Gorgeous cat
Right off the bat, it’s clear that this cat is not adorable enough to kick off this list, but when a snarling 300 pound guy in soccer cleats hands you a thumb drive and says, “I wrote a list for you to publish on ClockHole [sic],” you do what he says, even if your website has never once accepted an unsolicited pitch before. He had this one fang-like tooth hanging out of his mouth that he kept running his fingers over, which freaked us out way too much to try explaining to him that if an adorable cat list only has 5 images, then every cat needs to be one that makes your heart melt. Also, FYI, the guy titled the pictures, not us. We know the cat isn’t gorgeous. Cut us some slack.
2. Hairless beauty
“Ummm can this cat be ours right meow?!?” is what we’d usually write on a list like this, but straight up, we do not want this thing in our house. Had the guy seemed more approachable (perhaps by NOT wearing eye patches over both his right eye and his chin), we could have argued that hairless cats are way too polarizing to appear on a cute cat list, but we don’t want to go near him and his potential chin eye. We guess that if you’ve got the same “don’t mess with me” vibe as the scary guy, then maybe a hairless cat picture could help you through the week, but for everyone else, we know it won’t do much. Oh well.
So we guess this is the guy’s cat? Even if it’s your own cat that you love more than anything, it doesn’t belong on a list of adorable cats if it doesn’t have those big sweet eyes that make you want to cuddle with it ASAP. Sorry. That’s just how it works. Of course we didn’t say that to him, though. We’re a bunch of vitamin-deficient writers half his size who spend the entire day sitting in front of a computer – do you realize how easy it would be to beat us up? No way we’re gonna ask for that by arguing with a guy whose thumb drive contained just two files: this list, and a JPEG of a bloody hammer. Is it his hammer? We pray we never find out.
4. Friends you can Count On
Bear with us for a moment. If you free yourself of any biases and really take a look at this picture, it’s actually pretty adorable, right? They’re all best friends on a bench! Fine. We know that’s a stretch (because these cats are hideous), but the guy has spent the morning running suicides in front of our building while holding his walking stick like a spear, only taking breaks to eat a Renaissance Faire-style turkey leg that he pulls out of his backpack while shouting, “WHERE’S MY LIST?” We’re really in a bind here.
5. Simply Nice
Simply Nice is cute . Simply Nice is cat.
^That’s copy the guy wrote. This is the only picture he wrote any copy for, maybe because it’s supposed to be a conclusion or something? Who fucking knows. It makes zero sense, but publishing this seems like our best shot to get the guy to leave us alone, and we’re not gonna take any risks by tampering with it. If you want to see some actually adorable cats, you’re going to have to look somewhere else, because these mediocre ones are the best you’re going to get from us today. Trust us, this is the kind of guy you definitely don’t want to piss off. We’re all going to have to settle for “Simply Nice is cute . Simply Nice is cat.” Sorry.