Just moments ago I was watching The Tonight Show with my wife, but now…now I am seeking and providing pleasure with the vengeance of a king usurped from his throne. As I lay here prone, the pallid white flesh of my thighs shining in the candlelight, this electric typewriter balanced on my formidable belly, I can without hesitation attest that this is the best sex I have ever had in my entire 74 years of life!!!!!!!!??! Like two large medieval armies who have decided mid-battle not to fight, but to fuck, we are going at it something fierce. And it feels so, so goddamn good!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My partner, her face rose-red from the abrasion of my whiskered jowls, is asking if the handjob she is giving me right now is pleasurable to me, and I am nodding furiously. I’d just as soon have my cock chopped off entirely as I’d have her stop stroking my shaft at this moment, for to have this pleasure torn away from me would be akin to the death of my boner. Her grip is firm, her nails are well-manicured, and she is making intense eye contact with me with a big smile on her face. This is exactly what I like. My penis feels so great right now, I am thinking aloud. I must continue to document this as best I can, so the world may understand the incredible sexual feeling of being me right now.
Please hold, for I must change positions.
So sorry. Now on my hands and knees with my wife beneath me and my typewriter carefully balanced upon her breasts, I am thrusting whilst typing in synchronous rhythm, so please excuse any typos. Anyone who believes the missionary position is “boring” has clearly never done it the way I am doing it right now, with my legs held tightly together and my arms sprawled out like I’ve been crucified. The pleasures I am currently experiencing are undoubtedly the greatest ever bestowed upon me, and that is surely saying something, as I have oft explored the vexing creases and passageways of women’s bodies. But this is on a whole new level of fuck!!!!!!
We have moved to the floor. Draped under the humid fog our bodies are emitting like sexual smokestacks, my lover and I are exploring the deepest reaches of this misty carnal forest of lips, buttholes, and grunts. I am kissing her arms and teats and she is screaming my name. “George R.R. Martin! Bestselling author of my earth-shattering orgasm!” she cries, her voice echoing out of the window and arousing passersby. I stop only to sip my herbal tea and manifest this tome, as this is the greatest sexual adventure of my lifetime, if not all lifetimes. Hearing my wife talking dirty to me, saying naughty words such as “intercourse” and “buttocks” means that not only is my body being pleasured, but my ears are as well.
“Sex feels so good!” she is saying conversationally.
“This is how I always want to feel.” I am currently yelling to my wife. “Do me a favor and do this to me forever.”
“OK, George,” she is answering. “I will try.”
This sexual activity has found me quite well. I am nearing climax, so sadly, this story must end. But the legend of this love-making session will live on forever. For it has been the best sex I have ever had, and ever will!!!!!!!!