Senator Chuck Schumer here, folks. Every single day, I fight tooth and nail against the MAGA agenda and Trump’s unconstitutional attacks on our democracy. Our President holds a blatant disregard for this country’s laws and institutions, making it a unique and increasingly urgent challenge to resist his goals of dismantling our government’s system of checks and balances and turning the United States into an authoritarian state. I need your undivided attention today, because what I’m about to show you is now our best chance at stopping Trump:
Introducing Trump’s Achilles heel: Mecha AllyGator. As you can see, hope is not lost, folks.
Today, I’m asking for the Democratic Party and the American public at large to rally around Mecha AllyGator, in all her technologically-enhanced reptiliality. Mecha AllyGator’s existence was revealed to me in a wet dream I experienced one month ago. She is a drop-dead gorgeous, winged, 17-foot-tall robot-alligator hybrid, bearing the powers of powerful flight, hypnotizing beauty, and animalistic savagery the likes of which Republicans could only dream of harnessing. Your support of Mecha AllyGator means the difference between tyranny and democracy. Trump is barely one year into his second term, but he’s already done as much catastrophic damage to our nation’s future as Mecha AllyGator could do to a deer (her preferred prey) between her titanium-plated jaws. Will you stand for the Trump administration’s assault on our civil liberties and social safety net? Or will you let the wonderful beast depicted in my drawing be your champion? If you care about America’s integrity and prosperity, the choice is obvious.
Democratic leadership has combatted the GOP using every strategy in the legislative playbook—except Mecha AllyGator. She’s not just a robot, or an alligator, or an angel: She’s our party’s way forward.
President Trump is well aware he wouldn’t stand a chance against Mecha AllyGator. I’ve shown him the above rendering I created of AllyGator on several occasions. The first time, President Trump had no response whatsoever. The second time, President Trump ignored me. The third time, President Trump, “I don’t know what the hell that is or what you want me to do with it, Chuck,” then had me removed from our meeting and from the White House premises. I believe Trump knows exactly what Mecha AllyGator is: The number one threat to his power. And it’s in our possession. As long as Republicans are disinterested in wooing Mecha AllyGator to their side, she will remain firmly on ours—provided I keep leaving deer carcasses on my lawn for her to feast on.
The GOP may control the executive office and both chambers of Congress. But they’ll never control Mecha AllyGator, so long as your Senate Minority Leader has any say.
The clock is ticking. There is no time to watch Trump undermine American values from the sidelines. I need the Resistance to share Mecha AllyGator far and wide. I humbly ask the American public, as its civil servant, to support Mecha AllyGator in any way you can, whether it’s using air traffic control glow-wands to point her towards D.C. as she soars past your house or simply clapping and cheering when she grabs hold of Stephen Miller with her incredible teeth and thrashes him around until he’s too bloodied and disoriented to do any more harm to our great nation. She’s our last opportunity to save this country from Trump plunging it past the point of no return. Will you join me?
