Let’s face it. Dad’s been in a pretty sour mood since the Eagles lost the Super Bowl, so this new development couldn’t have come at a worse time for the old man: Barack Obama just showed up at the house asking to use his hall pass on Mom.
Woof. This is definitely a tough break for Dad.
A couple hours ago, former President Barack Obama showed up to our doorstep holding a piece of wide-ruled paper that was clearly torn from a notebook which he said was his notarized sexual “hall pass” card, certifying that his wife Michelle has given him her full blessing to have extramarital sex with one woman of his choosing. Lucky for Mom, Barack chose Mom, but unlucky for Dad, Barack chose Mom. Barack Obama explained that he knew he wanted to use his hall pass on Mom ever since he saw a photo of her in her parish’s church directory back in 2011, but because he was busy at work—which he said with a wink that definitely made Dad straight up want to kill himself—he only just now found himself with a free afternoon during which he could make love to Mom.
Wow! Well, that sure is something!
Although it definitely hurt Dad’s feelings that Mom immediately agreed to Barack’s offer without consulting Dad, he seemed determined not to let it show because he was just like, “Okay, cool, I’ll just be in the garage,” to which Barack responded, “I’ll just be in your wife,” which was pretty gross but Mom laughed this really high-pitched laugh at it while holding Barack’s arm, which was also gross but seemed to show she was really into the whole thing. As Barack and Mom headed upstairs, Dad watched as Barack showed Mom some items in the reusable Target tote bag he brought with him, including a box of condoms, a bottle of KY Jelly, and some candy Peeps that apparently “caught [his] eye near the register.”
Dad then stormed off to the garage, but unfortunately the garage is right under the master bedroom, so it basically became a pressure chamber full of the sounds of the 44th president having his way with Mom. Although Dad revved up as many power tools as he could to try to drown out the sounds of Barack Obama yelling “This is pretty slick for a menopausal woman!” and Mom shrieking like a goddamn banshee, eventually, Dad just grabbed a sixer of Coors and brought it to a stump in the backyard, where he proceeded to sit until he downed every last beer.
Yikes. This is pretty brutal for Dad, especially when you consider the fact that this isn’t even Mom’s hall pass. For Dad’s sake, let’s hope that Mom never runs into Greg Kinnear.
To make matters even worse, Mom and Dad were supposed to go on a date to the Melting Pot tonight. However, when time came to leave the house, Barack showed up in the kitchen wearing only a pair of Dad’s boxer shorts, started drinking straight out of a pickle jar in the fridge, and said “Need to get my electrolytes up. Your wife’s a racehorse, ooo-weee!” before heading back upstairs, adding, “Looks like you’re on your own tonight, bub.”
As if Dad wasn’t already having the worst moment of his life while eating fondue alone while a former president slept with his wife, Dad then received a text from an unknown number (which turned out to be Obama) containing a video of Barack titty-fucking Mom—the very sex act that Dad has always wanted to do with Mom but assumed her breasts were too small to even attempt. “The damn guy made it work,” Dad said as he hung his head in shame. “Barack Hussein Obama figured out how to make it work.”
Yikes. Our hearts seriously have to go out to Dad here. Nobody knows more than we do what a handful Dad can be, but seeing him take L after L today was pretty rough. Here’s hoping Barack Obama and Mom’s fuckfest ends sometime soon, because it’s pretty gut wrenching to see Dad go through this.
