Hopefully you had a relaxing weekend away from work, because today’s set to be a tense, tense day at the office: your boss just came to work with a way smaller head—like, it definitely shrunk over the weekend—and it’s abundantly clear that he does not want to talk about it.
Yikes…his head’s noticeably way smaller than it was on Friday, and he does NOT look happy about it. Tread lightly today. And don’t stare if you can help it.
The work day had started like any other, until the moment your boss came trudging out of the elevator with a brooding scowl, and the sight of his 40-50% smaller head sucked the air out of the entire building. Silently marching past your coworkers’ cubicles and avoiding eye contact with everyone doing a double-take at his now grapefruit-sized head, your boss quickly shut the door to his corner office and drew the blinds right before his secretary responded to your concerned glare with a wide-eyed head shake that communicated, “I don’t know, and I’m not asking.” A frenzy of hushed whispering and private Slack-messaging about your boss’s tinier head soon began, increasing tenfold after everyone heard him scream “GOD DAMN IT!” and a loud slam from inside his office, like he’d punched a wall or kicked his desk or something.
Your boss is doing a terrible job hiding how insecure he feels about the reduced size of his head. And unfortunately, he should feel insecure…it’s like every part of his skull shrunk except his hair, like his eyebrows and hair are the same length as they were on Friday, but on a far smaller face and scalp. Like an infant wearing a Party City Elvis wig. It just looks awful. It really does, and considering that he’s got a meeting with one of his biggest clients today, it’s making his rotten mood exponentially worse. No one’s resigning a contract with a guy who looks like that, and he knows it.
Yeah, if you needed anything from your boss today, take a raincheck. This is not the day to put more work on his plate or ask for favors.
As if the office’s atmosphere wasn’t agitated enough, it’s somehow deteriorated much, much further over the past 20 minutes. He went to the break room for coffee while wearing a normal-sized baseball cap, clearly intended to distract from his dwindled noggin, and ended up putting everyone nearby on edge as he violently cursed under his breath and clenched his teeth every time the hat slid so far down it covered his whole face, which it did constantly, because it was simply way too large for his baby head. But then, when the office manager made a stilted attempt to break the ice and make small talk with your boss, he cut her off and basically exploded on her.
“How was my weekend? Oh, my weekend was fucking fine. Probably not as good as yours, I’d bet! Any particular reason you’re asking? Hmm?” your boss barked at the office manager, before quickly apologizing and blushing so hard his tiny head looked like an overplump pomegranate.
How in the world is this man going to lead a client meeting today when his head’s so weirdly small and he’s this deeply upset about it? The meeting’s literally in 30 minutes…we’re already crawling out of our skin imagining how unpleasant sitting through that’s going to be.
Oh god…according to a Slack message your gossipy coworker sent you, your boss apparently has to have an HR meeting for snapping at the office manager. Literally the last thing he, or anyone who has to work with your boss—like YOU—needed right now. All you can do is walk on eggshells around him and brace yourself for a legendarily awful day at work. Fingers crossed your boss’s head returns to normal soon, because this is unbearable.