Throughout history, it has often been asked, “What is the best thing to spend $19.99 on?” and the answer has always been, “Either a King James Bible or a rake to protect your family from gorillas.” Until now. 

Introducing Business Walrus, a new party game from ClickHole.

Finally! A game!

Business Walrus is a big, dumb, fun card game where friends compete to invent products and win billions of dollars from the world’s wealthiest, most powerful investor: the Business Walrus. It’s easy as shit to learn, with only like two rules to remember and no stupid potions or health points or any of that bullshit to figure out. And since it’s created by the writers of all your favorite classic ClickHole content, Business Walrus is funny enough where you don’t even have to play it to have a good time—if you want, you can kind of just read the cards aloud and have your friends clap and cheer afterwards. Amazing!  

Here’s how the game works:

Wow!

Some people think that card games are just for losers who don’t know how to have fun on their own, and until recently this was true. But Business Walrus was designed to be insanely fun for everyone, even people who usually hate card games, as it combines the best elements of classic games like Monopoly (celebrating capitalism) and Uno (rectangular playing cards) while leaving out all the boring and annoying parts. Simply put, it’s got everything you want in a party game—though not for the fun kind of party where you’re drinking and dancing and stuff, but more the kind where you’re sort of sitting around with a bunch of people you know.

But don’t just take our word. Check out this convenient list of pros and cons to help you make an informed decision:

 The Pros And Cons Of Buying Business Walrus

PROS

1. Does not smell like piss, not even a little.
2. You can play the game in football pads if you’d like.
3. Gives you the chance to humiliate your friends while greatly enriching yourself.
4. This could also be considered a con, but you can choke on it.
5. Finally gives you something to do with friends other than watching reruns of “Married…with Children” in silence.
6. You can throw the game at any kind of bug and it’ll most likely kill the bug.
7. Comes standard with Honda Sensing® Safety & Driver-Assistive Technologies to help avoid accidents and protect those who matter most.
8. The box provides a great place to hide your “stash” of “pot.”
9. Does not contain a dybbuk!
10. Gives you a good kind of CTE.
11. Dude, you’ve got, like, $100, so it’s not even that expensive.

CONS

1. Not even 1/1,000th as impressive as a video game.
2. If you drop the cards on the floor, you might trip on them and slide all over the place in a comical manner.
3. What if your dog eats the whole thing? That would suck.
4. Each box weighs 500 pounds.
5. We’re not gonna lie, if you and your friends are super boring, this game isn’t going to be that fun.  
6. Your grandparents might not understand the game. Guess it depends on how smart they are.
7. For the same price, you could buy all the aluminum foil you’d need for years. 
8. Makes you use your imagination like a dork.
9. With no non-English translations, it leaves our Portuguese friends out to dry.
10. Largely inconsequential in the grand scheme of things.

With 11 pros to 10 cons, it’s overwhelmingly clear that buying Business Walrus is a slightly better idea than not buying Business Walrus. Plus, all the proceeds go towards helping ClickHole pay the bills so we don’t have to pivot to a subscription model like every other website. ClickHole has been giving you incredible viral content for years without asking anything in return. Now we need you to give us $20. It’s only fair.

Besides, what else are you gonna spend your money on? Medicine? Don’t be an idiot. Go buy Business Walrus right now and have a stupidly good time with your weird little friends. If you don’t end up liking it, you can just trade it in for a very bad car. No excuses.

Okay, the time for being online is over. Do this activity instead. Buy Business Walrus at Target stores nationwide or some other places. Thank you, we love you, goodbye.