The passing of a close relative is always tough to process, but it can be especially difficult to digest for young children who have yet to fully grasp the concept of death. Here are four ways to gently explain to your kids that their grandmother jumped into the lion habitat at the zoo and moaned with pleasure as she was devoured by the lions.
1. Relate their grandma’s death to the death of a family pet
The near-sexual deathlust of a loved one can be tough for children to understand, but if you can relate it to an experience they’ve already had with a pet, then they might have an easier time grasping why their grandma so desperately craved to be ripped to shreds by wild animals. Set aside some time away from distractions to sit your kids down and ask them to recount their pet’s death, explaining to them how this is pretty much the same situation except that while the pet probably hated dying, their grandma actually loved it.
2. Take them to the lion enclosure, toss in a turkey carcass with “grandma” written on it, and moan “Yes! Oh, God yes!” in an old lady voice while the lions hungrily devour the raw meat
Kids are visual learners, so being able to see a depiction of what it was like when their grandma was torn apart by hungry lions will go a long way towards helping them make sense of things. Asking them questions like, “How do you think grandma felt while the lions were eating her and she was groaning, ‘Oh, yes, tear me apart, you naughty beasts! This is sex to me! I want to be inside your mouths! Feast on my groin, you roaring cunts!’? Does it sound like she was happy or sad?” Once your kids realize that she died in a state of pure, unbridled ecstasy and actually savored the pain of being devoured wide-awake by ravenous lions, they’ll figure out that their grandmother was simply a maniacal painfreak who could only experience joy through intense suffering, and this will bring them comfort.
3. Remind them that they can still hear their grandma’s voice whenever they want by watching the viral video of her death
The idea of someone being gone forever can be scary to children, so it’s important to let them know that, while their grandma might not physically be here anymore, you can still feel her presence through things like looking at family photos, cooking one of her favorite recipes, or joining millions of others in watching the viral video of her slathering herself in butter, climbing down into the lion enclosure, and grunting orgasmically as the jungle cats ripped her into quarters and made a family meal of her wrinkled flesh. And though looking at a dead body can be upsetting, it can also help one find closure, especially if the dead body is grinning ecstatically and giving a thumbs-up like Grandma is in the now-famous “OLD BITCH ACHIEVES CLIMAX IN THE JAWS OF LIONS — WITH AUDIO” YouTube video.
4. Tell them that this means they don’t have to go to Grandma’s house for holidays anymore
Grandma’s house is the most boring place in the world, and once your kids understand that they no longer have to spend their Christmases sitting around in her cramped living room with nothing to do but play Uno and watch The Andy Griffith Show on antenna TV, they’ll realize that her gory yet blissful zoo death was ultimately a net positive for them. Because at the end of the day, most kids would happily welcome the death of elderly family members if it means they no longer have to spend time with them. And honestly, you can’t blame ‘em!
