Joe Biden entered the White House intent on enacting a historically ambitious agenda while also managing the extraordinarily daunting challenges of the coronavirus pandemic and the U.S. economic recovery. But after 100 days in office, how successful has he been in delivering on his promises? Here are 22 things he’s managed to achieve during his presidency thus far.
1. Stepped up U.S. vaccination efforts by emailing Pfizer’s customer support a message that simply read: “HURRry.”
2. Completed Masterclass’s series with Wallace Shawn on how to be President of the United States.
3. Pointed at every single object in the White House and asked “Is this mine?”
4. Helped the United States rejoin the World Health Organization as well as the Sephora Beauty Insiders Rewards Program.
5. Grew 2.5 inches taller.
6. Brokered a peace agreement between two husky kids he found wrestling in the White House Rose Garden.
7. Selected “The Curious Skunk” as his official Secret Service code name.
8. Convened a roundtable of Silicon Valley CEOs and thought leaders to assist him in setting up an email account.
9. Put another couple rounds into Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi just to be safe.
10. Briefly stared at a piece of paper that said “POLICE REFORM” before pushing it off onto the floor.
11. The weather’s starting to warm up, maybe he’s got something to do with that.
12. Hit 2,000 followers on Twitter.
13. Approved a $1.9 trillion economic relief bill that will offer tax credits to families with children or high-maintenance exotic reptiles.
14. Found a human ear on the White House lawn and knew enough to keep his mouth shut.
15. Finally lured Barron Trump out of the White House crawl space with a trail of pepperonis.
16. Launched a federal inquiry into why The Onion discontinued its popular “Diamond Joe” Biden character when there’s so much fun stuff they could be doing with it right now.
17. More than doubled his goal of personally receiving 100 million Covid-19 vaccines.
18. Very adamantly insisted that the video of Pedro Martinez throwing Don Zimmer to the ground by his head be added to the Library Of Congress.
19. Fixed the weird hissing noise coming out of James Polk’s presidential portrait.
20. Invited Ahmed the clock kid back to the White House so that he, too, could get a look at that sweet goddamn clock.
21. Signed an executive order to raise the federal minimum wage to $500,000 an hour by 2292.
22. Died for three minutes before being resuscitated.
