If you’re easily disturbed, you might want to think twice before reading this incredibly fucked-up story about a family member with a double life: After her father’s death, this woman discovered a bunch of really negative reviews he had written of pretty well-regarded vacuum cleaners.
Jesus. No one wants to learn a dark secret like this about a parent after they pass away.
When 43-year-old arborist Rachel Altman’s father, Bill, died, she set about sorting through his belongings with the uncomfortable knowledge that she might discover something she hadn’t been aware of, like a secret stash of pornography or a handgun she never knew he had. But nothing could have prepared Rachel for what she found on Bill’s laptop—on his Amazon account, alongside numerous five-star ratings for items like pens and belts, were dozens of needlessly harsh reviews of otherwise-beloved vacuum cleaners with headings such as “PIPING Hot Garbage” and “Worse Than A Broom.”
We can hardly fathom the shock Rachel must have felt when she found out about the intense animosity her father harbored towards perfectly good vacuums.
Bill’s one-star review of the Dyson Cyclone V10 Animal Cordless Vacuum Cleaner, which has a 4.6 star overall rating, began with the headline, “Barely A Vacuum” and went on to claim, “The Dyson Cyclone V10 turns what should be a quick, efficient touch-up cleaning into a laborious, exhausting process that makes one wonder whether licking the floors clean would be preferable to using this clump of literal human shit. Sure, no one expects primary vac power from a stick vacuum, but the poor ergonomics, tiny dirt receptacle, and flimsy build quality suggests that the clowns over at Dyson might be better off developing toy vacuums for toddlers. At the end of the day, though, I’d expect more from Fisher Price.”
And Bill’s review for the 4.5-star Shark NV360 Navigator Lift-Away Deluxe Upright Vacuum with Large Dust Cup Capacity, HEPA Filter, Swivel Steering, Upholstery Tool & Crevice Tool is even more brutal. The review repeatedly refers to the vacuum simply as “shithead” or “this shithead” and claims “This shithead went in the trash before I even used it. If I could give in negative 100 stars, I would.” Further reviews of a variety of vacuums ranging from handheld vacs to high-end industrial models fit the same mold—Bill invariably described these products using phrases like “BEYOND useless” and “made me hurl,” and repeatedly warned readers against buying them unless they wanted to experience “the vacuum equivalent of Hell on earth.”
Devastating. Imagine finding out something like this about someone you loved and trusted.
It must be so hard for Rachel to cope with the fact that her dad was a man who was so overly harsh to vacuum cleaners that other reviewers frequently praised for being easy to empty, quick to charge, and generally well worth the price. Now, not only must she cope with her father’s death, but she also has to learn to accept that he wasn’t the man she thought she knew. It’s going to take years of therapy to come to grips with this, if that’s even possible. Our thoughts are with her during this difficult time.
