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Email Is More Fun Than School/Church! (By Kiernan Shipka)

Hi, guys! Kiernan Shipka here with something I need to get off my chest. While I definitely have a good time in class/service, there’s one thing I like even better. It’s using email, and it’s way more fun than school/church!

Sorry, teachers/priests, it’s just true!

Sometimes, the only thing that gets me through a long day of homework/praying is knowing that as soon as I’m done, I’m going to log onto my email and have a blast. “Email” is when you instantaneously send mail via the computer, tablet, or phone, but I think of it more as a portal to fun, unlike school/church, which just feels like a portal to knowledge/sanctity. 

With email, I can email my Mom, “Happy birthday,” I can email my friends, “Let’s sit on the couch together soon!” and I can email my coworkers with work related questions, such as “Do we have acting tomorrow?” But I also love email because it connects me with anyone in the world, even if you belong to another school, church, or country! Just the other day I emailed “[email protected]” and even though I’d never met that man before, we were able to connect based on our shared use of email!

If you email me, we have a bond for life!

I also love how email works all the time, everywhere, as long as I have the internet. That means I can send and receive emails from the car, the amusement park, or the mall, which definitely beats being stuck in a stuffy classroom/parish! 

Although email can be tough to get the hang of at first because there are so many different buttons and features, it’s still a lot easier than preparing for exams/Judgment Day. When using email, I’m not worried about failure. If an accident happens, like sending an email before it’s done, you can just send another email saying “IGNORE PREVIOUS EMAIL” and move on. It’s not at all like when you mess up at school/church and risk getting sent to detention/Hell. And if you mistakenly send an email to an address that doesn’t exist, you just get a failure message from something called the “Mail Delivery Subsystem,” which is not nearly as scary as disappointing the principal/Jesus.

If you get an email you don’t like, you can just delete it and it goes away. I definitely can’t say the same of bullies/Satan!

There is one thing you need to be careful about with email, though, and that’s how sometimes you can waste a whole week refreshing your inbox over and over waiting for a very special email, like one that says the new pants you bought while online shopping are on their way, or that you got the part in the new Garfield movie. Luckily, when this happens, I can just practice the patience I learned from assemblies/parables at school/church to get me through!

Of course, sometimes you get a nice email totally by surprise. Once I got an email from Angela Bassett ([email protected]) that said, “Keep up the acting, Kiernan,” and it was so unexpected it made my week! Receiving a pleasant email beats any prom/rapture, that’s for sure!

And if you thought lunch/Communion was great, then you’ve certainly never clicked on “Spam” and seen all the hilarious emails in there! “Spam” are fake emails sent by God that test your booksmarts/purity of heart. Lots of people fall for spam emails because they’re not educated/bathed in God’s love, but when you’re an A student/Christian like me, it couldn’t be easier to figure out that the email from someone named “rj.rjgota” offering “Male Enhancemeent Pils” isn’t real!

Sometimes I wish I could use email all day and never go to school/church, but I know that’s foolish thinking. A life with just email is hardly an existence. You need school/church, too, for facts/mercy, as well as reading comprehension/covenants with God. I like to think that school/church is like the dry part of a cake, but email is like the icing on top!

So don’t be surprised if you see me in the library/chapel sending emails instead of reading textbooks/the Bible—I’m just doing what I love! Some people are picky about who gets to email them, but not me. My email address is [email protected], and I want to get an email from you!