I got bit by the movie bug at a young age, and I spent countless childhood afternoons down at my local theater watching double features that whisked me away into far off lands of fantasy and adventure. I still feel a jolt of excitement every time I drive past a bright marquee at dusk or smell fresh popcorn. But even as a young movie lover, I always had one burning question, and it still haunts me to this day: Why do some people choose to die of cancer when they could be experiencing movie magic?
For me, that decision has alway been crystal clear. I would much rather cozy up on my couch with a bowl of ice cream and watch a B-movie classic or take in the latest blockbuster at the iMax in 70mm than pass away in a hospital bed with tubes in my nose and my hair falling out. For a cinephile like me, there’s just no question. Do the people who choose to die of lymphoma or leukemia not know how much better off they’d be if they simply swung by a WalMart and bought a stack of DVDs or signed up for one of many affordable streaming services so they could experience the magic of the silver screen instead? Or do they truly hate movies so much that they would rather go through months of unsuccessful radiation before dying in a pool of their own vomit than watch a classic like Citizen Kane or Lawrence of Arabia? It just doesn’t add up.
Sure, some movies can be sad. Maybe that’s why some choose to go the cancer/death route. My film E.T. has a scene in which an alien who has befriended a young boy appears to be dead. Still, I would rather watch E.T. “die” (he actually ends up being fine) than die myself, especially of a terrible, painful disease that attacks my every bodily function. No offense to the families of those who have died of cancer, but I’m going to go on record here to say that anyone who choses a death from cancer over experiencing the magic of cinema is not a very smart person.
I was considering making a list of films to watch instead of dying of cancer, but then I realized that enjoying nearly any film is preferable to a horrid early death. Go ahead and watch 3 Ninjas or Look Who’s Talking Now. It’s still going to beat having a tumor grow inside your skull! I can’t be the only person who feels this way.
Look, I have an open mind, but I draw the line at choosing terminal cancer over the cinema. That, to me, is a clear mistake. But I guess us movie-lovers are just a little different that way.
