Get ready to cringe, because Dad’s once again managed to make us feel secondhand embarrassment as a result of his own stupidity: Dad’s going on a rant about Elizabeth Holmes, but he keeps calling her Elizabeth Smart, and like half the stuff he’s saying is actually about Casey Anthony.
Classic fucking Dad.
So, like 15 minutes ago, Mom brought up having to get a standard blood test done, which seemed like a pretty harmless thing to say at dinner—but unfortunately, it set Dad off on an emotional rant that has had a max of like, 30 percent accuracy. As Mom started explaining her trip to LabCorp, Dad fully interrupted her to say, “That woman never should have duped all those billionaires with that blood machine,” which to Dad’s credit, is a pretty good grasp on what happened with Elizabeth Holmes and Theranos. Unfortunately, Dad immediately continued, “Elizabeth Smart ought to be in jail for what she did,” a sentence that he presumably thinks means that Elizabeth Holmes should be in jail for defrauding investors (which she actually is), but instead means that the kidnapping victim Elizabeth Smart should be in jail for… being kidnapped over 20 years ago?
C’mon, Dad. Surely a Scranton University grad should know better than this.
Tragically, though, Dad didn’t stop there, and instead added, “It’s those Florida laws, I tell ya,” which was the first clue that Dad would now be confusing the two Elizabeths he had previously referenced with yet another woman who he was much too vaguely aware of to be talking about this passionately. “It’s just not right,” he said, shaking his head as he became more stoic. “It’s just not right!” he repeated, now banging his fists on the table. “How does a woman—a mother—do that to her own baby?”
Wow. That would’ve been a pretty moving statement from Dad about the Casey Anthony case if he didn’t conclude it by saying, “Elizabeth Smart should be hung for what she did!”
Without taking a beat, Dad continued, saying, “Everyone with half a brain knows Elizabeth Smart drowned that kid,” which is not even how Casey Anthony allegedly murdered her daughter. He then added, “If you need any more proof, just look at what she did to Donald Trump! Taking his hush money then blabbing all about it! Call me old fashioned, but I think even hookers should have some decency!” which doesn’t fit the narrative about either Elizabeth or about Casey Anthony, and actually seems to be referencing Stormy Daniels instead.
Jesus Christ. Look Dad, the reason no one is debating you isn’t, as you just declared, “Because you all know I’m right,” but because explaining how wrong you really are just isn’t worth the strength. Fingers crossed that the next time Dad gets carried away like this it’ll be about Steely Dan or the Mets, so at least the majority of what he says will be true. Yikes.
